Nightmares

I tried to take a nap awhile ago before watching the latest L Word episode (which was fucking adorable and I'm now officially in love with Shane lol) but it didn't quite work out. I only gt an hour or so of sleep before I got woken up the same way I usually do: a nightmare.

I've been having pretty much the same nightmare for years now. The setting changes at times, but it's generally the same premise. I'm stuck in a house, or an apartment, or SOMETHING, and I'm never allowed to leave. I still live with my dad and stepmom in the dreams, and no matter where it happens to be, their actual house, the house I live in now, or some new one we've somehow moved into, I'm always told that it's against the law for me to live away from them. I'm always in my 20's in the dreams, so it doesn't really make any sense, but that's always what happens.

So I'm always unable to leave. Now, these dreams aren't scary or anything, in the sense of like monsters or whatever. But I always wake up feeling really cold and short of breath, with a really bad feeling in my stomach. I feel afraid, and I don't really know why as there's no immediate danger in the dreams. 99% of the time my dad never even says anything mean to me. I just have to live with him, and I've never managed to get away while still in the dream.

Sometimes, it's not even about me wanting to get away. Sometimes I'm just back at my parents' house, doing random things. I talk to my dad and my brothers and sometimes even my stepmom, and nothing bad happens. But there's this feeling of dread that I can never, ever shake. And when I wake up from one of them, I still can't shake that feeling, and it makes it completely impossible to go back to sleep.

The other one is watching my mother die. She's a skeleton and I watch her choke on...something. I don't know. Her own tongue? These aren't nearly as common but they do happen every now and then.

So, I usually stay up as long as I possibly can. I always try to exhaust myself so that when I sleep it'll just be dark, no dreams. Rarely happens. But I try. So I'll sit up on the computer for days at a fucking time. The past few days I've been doing this and haven't been able to write a single goddamn line!!! I'm fucking useless. But at least this way I can watch Six Feet Under and the L Word and not have nightmares.

I know it's likely because I still havent gotten over what happened in the past. I dont know if I'll ever be free of the nightmares.

I'm too boring to come up with a decent title

I am so tired. I can't remember ever feeling this tired in my whole life, which is dumb. But nevertheless.

I tried to sleep earlier and had a constant stream of nightmares. But there was also a good dream in there. I was somehow in ancient Greece with DD and we were just walking around talking. Not even about anything important, we just talked. The awesome thing is that she was speaking Swedish the whole time, and I had no problem understanding her. That was pretty awesome, although the Greeks were giving her funny looks. They gave me funny looks too because I was speaking English and lapsing into Latin every now and then. But we just thought it was funny. Then some Greek kids in togas were on skateboards. I don't know what the hell that's about, but we both just kinda went along as if it was nothing out of the ordinary.

One thing that I really noticed about the dream was that there was sunlight. Lots of it. That's really rare in my dreams, they're always either at night or very very dim with a greenish cast. This one was bright and sunny and pretty and I don't know why, but it totally goes down in the books as one of my best dreams ever. I was calm and not nervous at all, and people knew about my books because they kept stopping me to talk about them. I think DD was bored by that but she stuck around anyway.

It was weird. I felt safe and I never ever feel that way. I woke up and wanted to go right back to sleep. I'm still completely exhausted, lol. But from some of the things she told me in the dream, things are gonna work out in the near future. I haven't had a future-dream for quite awhile, and this wasn't really one since usually they're what happens later...and unless we're in some sort of alternate universe or something I highly doubt that she and I will ever walk through the ruins in Greece before they were ruins. Still, it FELT like a future dream. When she told me stuff I knew it was true. I'm making no sense, but nobody cares.

Whatever. I want to go camping. And possibly hug/marry Shane McCutcheon. That is all.

Writing

( Blah, as always )

Writing

( Blah, as always )