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mutedtempestI just got off the phone with my best friend, and he told me some really interesting things. I mentioned to him that I want and need to take a break from my stories, and he sounded surprised when he asked, "Are you thinking of quitting?"
I assured him that I'm not. Now that Season 6 has been confirmed, I see no reason to do so. Having had "You" as a fixture in my life since October 2006 would be far too tough to give up right now even if I wanted to. I was curious, however, how he knew about my stories. Sure, I'd mentioned them to him, but nothing in detail at all. I was a little confused because he was talking about them as if he'd read them, which to my knowledge he hasn't. He did read one chapter about a year ago, since my regular proofreader hadn't been available, but since then I doubt he's read any of it. Still, he seemed a little put out by the idea that I might be quitting. When I asked him why, he replied, "Because that chapter I read was really, really good, a lot of character development and a really great plot. If the rest of them are even a fraction of that, it's an amazing story and you should keep it going as long as you can."
Needless to say, I was pretty shocked. He isn't really the type of guy to hand out compliments, and I thought maybe he was trying to spare my feelings. But he insisted he wasn't. Instead, he said that he thinks I have a lot of talent, and that anyone who can sit down and type out a poem on command that's as good as some of the stuff I've done is incredibly gifted.
I dunno. All my life, people have been telling me I'm really good at it. I don't believe it. When I read my stuff, it seems really shitty to me. The poems, the stories, everything. That's why I think my friends are just being nice; I truly don't see why they say that. It confuses me because I honestly can't see anything I write as being any better than anything else.
My friend Lindsay told me a long time ago, when we were in a "creative writing" class together, that I was brilliant, that my writing is amazing. I laughed at her, but she looked at me in all seriousness and said, "You're so fucking amazing at this and you don't even see it, and it makes me sad. You don't think you're good at anything. And you're right about this. You're not good. You're fucking incredible and if you don't write for a living in some way, nothing in this world makes any sense at all. You have to do that. Anyone who reads your stuff can see that." (I only have that quote memorized because she said it while I had my tape recorder for class still running).
So, I dunno. Maybe she was just saying that because she's a genuine sweetheart. But then I think...well, all my English teachers have always said I was incredible, too. One asked me to give her some copies of my stuff, and when i did she went and had them bound. Even the professor in that class with Lindz told me I was brilliant, and the man has 2 PhDs in English Lit and has been published in a lot of stuff. People leave comments on my stories all the time saying things like that too. Hell, even DD tells me I'm good at it, and she's smarter than I can ever dream of being.
But I still don't see it. Maybe it's because I just don't. Maybe it's because they're all just being nice. Or maybe it's a defense mechanism. I think maybe somewhere in my brain, I'm scared to believe it. All my life I've been under the impression that I'll never be good at anything. My dad drove that home in more ways than I can explain, and nobody cares anyway. But it stayed with me. And I worry that maybe if I start to believe it's good, that it won't be anymore.
God, that's so fucked up. When I write, it's just there. I sit down and type and it's just there. i hate making plans for it or outlines or lists or whatever because that always ruins it. I need to just have it come to me and be what it is. Anything even halfway passable I've ever done feels like something I didn't even write, because it was just...there. That doesn't make any sense at all, and I know that. But it's the only way I can possibly explain it. And I feel like maybe, if I start thinking anything I write is any good, I won't have it there anymore. i won't be able to sit down and just...create from nothing at all. Not even create. Channel, maybe? I don't know. But I worry it'll leave me, whatever it is, if I start thinking I might actually be okay at this at all.
And that fucking terrifies me to no end. I don't think it's any good, but I HAVE to do it. I can't NOT do it. It's impossible. If I don't write anymore, I may as well put a gun in my mouth because that's my existence. Sure, there are other things in my life...but writing? If I lost that, I lose me. And I have to keep doing it. That has to be what I end up doing, because anything else would only be second place. I don't know why its taken me so fucking long to realize that, but I finally have. If I'm not a writer, I'm not myself. And how can I possibly grow to love that person if that person isn't being who they really are?
I know the ability to write sometimes leaves later in life. Every day I wonder if it'll be there. I'll wonder that for the rest of my life. I've been really lucky until now. And I think I'll be okay if I wake up one day and just can't write anymore. That's natural. But it has to leave of its own volition, not because I forced it away.
I assured him that I'm not. Now that Season 6 has been confirmed, I see no reason to do so. Having had "You" as a fixture in my life since October 2006 would be far too tough to give up right now even if I wanted to. I was curious, however, how he knew about my stories. Sure, I'd mentioned them to him, but nothing in detail at all. I was a little confused because he was talking about them as if he'd read them, which to my knowledge he hasn't. He did read one chapter about a year ago, since my regular proofreader hadn't been available, but since then I doubt he's read any of it. Still, he seemed a little put out by the idea that I might be quitting. When I asked him why, he replied, "Because that chapter I read was really, really good, a lot of character development and a really great plot. If the rest of them are even a fraction of that, it's an amazing story and you should keep it going as long as you can."
Needless to say, I was pretty shocked. He isn't really the type of guy to hand out compliments, and I thought maybe he was trying to spare my feelings. But he insisted he wasn't. Instead, he said that he thinks I have a lot of talent, and that anyone who can sit down and type out a poem on command that's as good as some of the stuff I've done is incredibly gifted.
I dunno. All my life, people have been telling me I'm really good at it. I don't believe it. When I read my stuff, it seems really shitty to me. The poems, the stories, everything. That's why I think my friends are just being nice; I truly don't see why they say that. It confuses me because I honestly can't see anything I write as being any better than anything else.
My friend Lindsay told me a long time ago, when we were in a "creative writing" class together, that I was brilliant, that my writing is amazing. I laughed at her, but she looked at me in all seriousness and said, "You're so fucking amazing at this and you don't even see it, and it makes me sad. You don't think you're good at anything. And you're right about this. You're not good. You're fucking incredible and if you don't write for a living in some way, nothing in this world makes any sense at all. You have to do that. Anyone who reads your stuff can see that." (I only have that quote memorized because she said it while I had my tape recorder for class still running).
So, I dunno. Maybe she was just saying that because she's a genuine sweetheart. But then I think...well, all my English teachers have always said I was incredible, too. One asked me to give her some copies of my stuff, and when i did she went and had them bound. Even the professor in that class with Lindz told me I was brilliant, and the man has 2 PhDs in English Lit and has been published in a lot of stuff. People leave comments on my stories all the time saying things like that too. Hell, even DD tells me I'm good at it, and she's smarter than I can ever dream of being.
But I still don't see it. Maybe it's because I just don't. Maybe it's because they're all just being nice. Or maybe it's a defense mechanism. I think maybe somewhere in my brain, I'm scared to believe it. All my life I've been under the impression that I'll never be good at anything. My dad drove that home in more ways than I can explain, and nobody cares anyway. But it stayed with me. And I worry that maybe if I start to believe it's good, that it won't be anymore.
God, that's so fucked up. When I write, it's just there. I sit down and type and it's just there. i hate making plans for it or outlines or lists or whatever because that always ruins it. I need to just have it come to me and be what it is. Anything even halfway passable I've ever done feels like something I didn't even write, because it was just...there. That doesn't make any sense at all, and I know that. But it's the only way I can possibly explain it. And I feel like maybe, if I start thinking anything I write is any good, I won't have it there anymore. i won't be able to sit down and just...create from nothing at all. Not even create. Channel, maybe? I don't know. But I worry it'll leave me, whatever it is, if I start thinking I might actually be okay at this at all.
And that fucking terrifies me to no end. I don't think it's any good, but I HAVE to do it. I can't NOT do it. It's impossible. If I don't write anymore, I may as well put a gun in my mouth because that's my existence. Sure, there are other things in my life...but writing? If I lost that, I lose me. And I have to keep doing it. That has to be what I end up doing, because anything else would only be second place. I don't know why its taken me so fucking long to realize that, but I finally have. If I'm not a writer, I'm not myself. And how can I possibly grow to love that person if that person isn't being who they really are?
I know the ability to write sometimes leaves later in life. Every day I wonder if it'll be there. I'll wonder that for the rest of my life. I've been really lucky until now. And I think I'll be okay if I wake up one day and just can't write anymore. That's natural. But it has to leave of its own volition, not because I forced it away.