Bad day

Aug. 7th, 2008 08:13 pm
mutedtempest: (lonely)
I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I haven't had a day this bad in a long time now, and I don't even have a reason to be feeling this way. But for some reason, I do.

I tried to go to bed early last night so I could get up for work. I woke up from a nightmare at 2am, and from then up to about 6am, I was having panic attacks. My social anxiety/agoraphobia got the best of me, and I hate it when that happens because it makes me feel worthless. Usually, when I'm supposed to do something different from what my routine has been, I need a few days at least to adjust to the idea. Especially if it means leaving the house and going somewhere new. They called me yesterday at 3pm and were giving me 16 hours to adjust, and I just couldn't do it. It made me feel like shit, but I had to call the temp agency and say I was sick.

They want me to go tomorrow. I want to, and I'm trying to be okay with it, but I've been throwing up since this afternoon about it. I'm terrified. Now, if I was to start on Monday, i could do that. But this is just too soon and I'm scared and I cant calm the fuck down.

I had to go and just be in my bed for about 6 hours earlier. I don't feel well and I fucking hate it. I want to just be normal and to be able to do this. And I can't and it makes me feel like a fucking loser.

I'm depressed. This has just been a bad day all around. I meant to do my workout earlier and I felt so bad I couldn't do it, and now I feel like the fattest ugliest person to ever live and I hate it. I don't want to be this way. I want to be happy, I should be happy. I'm going to Europe soon. My school figured out my financial aid and I'm set. I still have money coming in from my story and Monday makes five weeks where I can be working somewhere to save up for my laptop. It doesn't have to be that factory. Hell, I could work at McDonald's or something. And the other place might get back to me about that office job.

But I feel like a worthless idiot today. I couldn't go to work, i couldn't work out and I can't even write my stupid fanfic. That and I upset my best friend. I fail at life.

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mutedtempest

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