mutedtempest: (elaine)
The Legend of Legendary Heroes

Sequel, Volume 5, chapter 5 | Overjoyed

Yuri!!! on Ice

Anime; post Episode 12 | The Far Shore


doctor who

Tsubasa Chronicle (both Reservoir and World)

Will play him from either series


Sons of Anarchy



The Room

Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicles





Doctor Who


Tiger & Bunny


Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicles

Tsubasa>: Reservoir Chronicles

Game of Thrones (TV)


Shingeki No Kyojin

❝ MUCH ❞
BBC's Robin Hood

mutedtempest: (diabeetus)
I haven't blogged in forever, which is a little sad since I used to love it. I think most of the focus for my writing in recent years has been for RP, which is perfectly fine! I just feel like maybe I should get back into posting here regularly rather than spamming my poor Plurk timeline with minutiae.

A lot has happened since I last posted. I met a guy, dated him, talked about moving in and marriage, started therapy for my anxiety, researched a lot for my master's, broke up with the guy, wound up getting deported from Sweden, bounced around Minneapolis for a few months, and finally settled in the lovely city of Fargo, North Dakota with some friends who had just purchased a huge house. It's been a very wild ride and I'm still nowhere close to where I'd like to be, but I'm working on it!

Mainly by trying to find a decent job. I've been looking in Fargo since I moved here, and as yet, nothing. I imagine it's because my resume lacks any work history for the past five years, which is sort of a thing that happens when you pursue a master's degree in another country. But when my resume is placed next to hundreds of people who don't have that gap, it's fairly easy to see why I haven't been hired anywhere yet. I've come very close, but at this point it's looking a little dire.

Which is why I'm now looking very seriously into teaching English in Asia. I have a bachelor's degree, so the first (and sometimes only) big requirement is met. And in countries like China where the cost of living is absurdly low, I'd be able to live well and save up a little. Which will be good, since I plan on returning to Sweden as soon as I can to pursue a master's. The one I attempted before has ceased to exist, but there are others!

That, and I'm going to therapy for the anxiety again. Amazingly enough this is happening right here in Fargo, which I never believed could happen. But I'm insured by the state under the Affordable Care Act, which amazes me. I'm also having my right eye treated, as I'm having issues seeing.

But things are good right now, and I'm hoping to make them better!
mutedtempest: (sleepy)
If you want one, go ahead and leave your address here! I know I've asked before and I do have a list, but my memory sucks so if you want a card it might be a good idea to leave the info again so I don't forget like the old lady I am.

Comments are screened! <3
mutedtempest: (adipose)
I forget that, a lot of the time. I'm sure the bipolar plays into that a lot, as does the anxiety, but I really need to make myself focus on the positive more often. The world's not perfect and never will be, and my life will never be either. But I've made it this far, I'm living in another country studying an advanced degree. A conversation with a friend earlier made me realize that yeah, I feel guilty about all that. Deep down I don't feel that I deserve it, or anything good. And logically I know that's a conditioned response, but it's still hard to work through. Because yes, I am very lucky to have these opportunities and I will never think otherwise, but I've worked to get here, too. Nothing was handed to me. And hell, I feel guilty for having graduated high school sometimes, given my situation then, but I did it anyway and I think I'm allowed, or at least should be, a bit of pride about that and how far I've come. At least a little. Not that I want to brag because gods know I don't, but I really need to remind myself that none of this has fallen into my lap either.

ANYWAY, in the grand scheme of things...while there are miseries all over the world that I don't want to and cannot discount, we do live in a pretty damn amazing time. Medicine and science are improving daily, there's a very nice cosmonaut tweeting and tumblring from orbit (that's some damn good wifi) and while people can be asses, they can also do really amazing things for the world and for other people. I think I need to focus on the good more, since seeing what we want to see becomes such a habit.
mutedtempest: (Default) gonna be weird since I'm fairly asexual, at least until I get to know someone EXTREMELY well. This is probably why I generally end up falling for friends rather than strangers/acquaintances but I'll give it a go anyway! Actually, I might revamp the criteria and make it into celebrities i would bang IF they were the characters they play. Yeah, that seems a little less creepy. Or something I dunno. It's late as hell.

Hrm. Well. This probably won't even get to five but I'll shoot for ten anyway.

1. Christopher Eccleston, but only as The Ninth Doctor.

Don't ask why. He's beautiful, okay.

2. Um. Yeah I think I might be done this list is a bust. Maybe like...Martha Jones or some other hottie from the Whoniverse I dunno. Or like. Deanna Troi from Star Trek TNG.

And I suck, which has already been established.

Otherwise, since I haven't updated in quite awhile, life I moved back to Skyttorp, into the apartment in the house my trailer landlord finally rented out. I'm slowly transforming it as cheaply as I can into a comfortable safety nest for myself.

Still anxious, but finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and have some hope for the future. Will hopefully be done with my masters degree around Christmastime.

Just had surgery on my bad eye. Doesn't seem to have fixed much, but at least it won't get worse.

Yay I am so exciting.
mutedtempest: (tree)
Especially when it comes to apartments, and having two fantastic options at one time is a bit unusual for me.

My current landlady is wonderful, and she's been super good to me. But my previous landlord (for anyone who doesn't know, I rented a trailer in another small town called Skyttorp for about 6 months last year) has the small apartment in his house proper up for rent starting the first of November. He's offered to lower his asked rent to 3000kr a month for me, since he liked having me as a tenant before and would like to have me again. The ad is here:
For comparison, a derpy Youtube video of my current place is here:

For the record, I'm used to being poor, to the point where I accepted any room/apartment that came my way. That's...a little bit of the reason I ended up in my current place, although I do love it.

You see, it's in a very small town called Tobo, about half an hour's train ride from Uppsala. Which is no big deal, I don't mind the ride. But the train station is about a mile from my house, half a mile outside town itself, and while there's a lighted path from it, it's through the middle of the forest and pretty damned creepy to walk at night.

Of course, there are buses available, but they only run to my town every two hours most of the day. A bit more frequently in busy times, once an hour, but still. A bit of an annoyance since I have Swedish classes on Wednesday nights, and have to wait either an hour and a half at the train station for the bus home or walk the creepy mile.

Also, the current place has no shower. My landlady shares hers with me, but I don't have free access to it and can only use it when she's home, which can be annoying since she works full time and goes out quite a bit, and often leaves for the weekend to stay with her boyfriend. Which is fine, I've been making it work using the shower at the gym, but public showers are just something I do not like and it'd be really nice to have my own.

I also don't have a freezer or an oven in this place. It's been okay, I make do with what I can do on the stovetop/hotplate thing I have, but it would be damn nice to have a real kitchen again.

Price-wise, the places are actually pretty comparable. The current place is 2200kr per month, all inclusive with really good broadband and TV (not that I have a TV, but if I did the cable package is pretty nice), but the month long transit card is 840kr on top of that, so I'm already paying a tiny bit over 3000 to live here before food costs. The apartment would be 3000kr per month, also all inclusive, with broadband and TV, but the transit card is 525kr for that town. So, 3040kr for this place, and 3525 for the apartment...I'm thinking it might be worth it, to be so close to the train and have buses running every hour, a shower of my own, and an actual kitchen.

But, again, I suck at decisions! I'm asking for help here because I'm honestly lost as to which is the better choice. While I'm not rich by any means, when my loan comes in I'll be able to afford the new place, and it'll be a hell of a lot easier to work at the student nations at night when I have a block to walk rather than a creepy mile through the woods. xD But is it the smart choice? I really don't know.
mutedtempest: (vader - airing of grievances!)
It's been forever since I've updated this or any of my journals, and I apologize. Not that anyone really reads them, I'm sure, but...still.

My avoidance has been very bad the past few months. To the point where interacting, even on the internet, has terrified me. I'm trying to get over that, little by little, but in doing so I've had to build a fortress around myself, and that makes things rather less than exciting. Hence, not feeling that anything in my life was worth posting about.

I still feel incredibly thankful to be in Sweden. School is much more difficult than I anticipated, originally, but I'm trying. I finally received my personnummer at the end of November, entitling me to Swedish state health care, and I plan to take full advantage of it starting in the spring for my anxiety as well as my diabetes (including my bad eye). I'd do so now, but clinic and hospital visits still have fees, although MUCH lower than in America, and...I'm broke. And it's not life or death, so I can deal for another month. I have gotten insulin, though, and it feels like stealing to be able to go the pharmacy and pick it up without being charged. It's absolutely wonderful. Of course, I know this will set me back when I have to return to the States, but right now it feels like I won the lottery, as silly as that sounds.

Today is Christmas Eve, and most Swedes celebrate the holiday today. I'll be on my own, as I usually am on Christmas, but it's fine with me. My lovely friends will be with their own families, and I've been promised their company soon, so I'm looking forward to that. My best friend also sent me a wrapped present that I wasn't allowed to open until today, and while I already know what it is, I'm still excited. I'll also be watching Kalle Anka (Donald Duck, a bunch of old cartoons in an hour long special that's shown every Christmas Eve in Sweden, a big tradition here and one I find adorable).

Other than that, no big plans. I have an essay and my ten page thesis proposal to be working on, but I'm taking the weekend off from worrying about either of them and will just sit here in my jammies watching movies, reading fiction and drinking Coke.

Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays everyone, hope they're great! :D
mutedtempest: (Default)
Just got back from a lovely two day trip to Copenhagen. It was basically spur of the moment and because it's easy to get there and doesn't take long, but I can now cross another city off my list of must-sees.

I went with my best friend, and I can't imagine anyone better to have gone with. We took an overnight bus down and were planning to take one back the same night, but by the time we got to the city and walked a bit, we needed to find somewhere to rest for at least a little while. We found a hotel and asked if it were possible to rent a room for a few hours, but it wasn't, so we paid for the whole night. Seemed silly to leave so soon after that, and I'm glad we didn't. Would have been way too much in one day.

It was beautiful weather, unseasonably warm and very sunny, so we definitely lucked out there. We wandered around most of the day, doing a lot of the touristy stuff. It was really nice, and I was more relaxed than I've been in ages. The city is just beautiful, and I'm really glad my phone has such a good camera because I got some really nice pictures. We went to a Mexican restaurant in the city center for lunch (lol) because my best friend is a Stockholmer and hadn't had authentic Mexican food before. Sadly, she still hasn't, because it was rather lacking. We both got a sort of enchilada variety plate, and while it was okay, it was...nothing really special. But it was still good, and we continued walking around after that.

I had only brought one pair of shoes with me when I flew over from the States, a rather new pair of Adidas Superstars. While they're comfortable, they're not exactly walking shoes, and my feet were killing me by early afternoon. So we stopped at a Foot Locker and I bought myself a pair of sparkly lavender and orange Adidas running shoes. They sound garish but they're really not too bad, and they're incredibly comfortable.

After that we wandered a bit more, and looked around the Lego store, which was the highlight of the trip for me. After that we decided we wanted to get impulse tattoos, so we found a parlor. When informed it would be a wait, we went for drinks at an Irish pub. While there, we decided that the tattoos were too expensive to be a good idea, so we got dinner and more drinks instead. lol. After that we decided to keep drinking, so we went down the road to a fairly fancy bar, at which we drank disgusting drinks and had cheesecake. By this time we were pretty drunk, so we went back to the hotel, stopping at a hot dog vendor on the way, about which we laughed a lot because we are mentally twelve years old.

The next morning, we realized that breakfast had been included in the room cost, so we decided to stay a bit longer and take advantage of it. Best decision EVER. It was amazing. Tons of really good food, including some of thebest bleu cheese I've ever had.

After that, we headed for the train station. After some initial confusion we managed to get a train home, with a 5 hour stop in Malmö. This was actually good since it gave us a chance to wind down a little bit.

All in all it was one of the best trips I've ever taken, and the first with a friend. Loved it and I'm so glad I went.

Some pics! Typical tourist shots:


Sep. 3rd, 2011 03:42 am
mutedtempest: (Default)
Been in Sweden for about a week and a half now. It's been good, mostly catching up with friends. I did start school and went to the introductory seminar, met my classmates and teachers, and it wasnt as bad as it could have been with the whole avoidance thing. I'm still waiting on my loan funds and need to go get my residence permit card, but otherwise I've been trying to acclimate myself back into the country.

Tonight, though, i might have ruined all of it. I've been trying really hard to adjust my diabetes and have been doing okay, but tonight I had two seizures so bad I banged my head. Those used to happen a lot more often but theyre kinda rare now and Im scared my friends might not like me anymore because of it. They seemed very annoyed and i really just want to run away so they never have to look at me again.
mutedtempest: (Default)
I know it's been forever, aside from the copypasted posts from my other blogs. I honestly have no idea why I have so many. I guess that like everything else I have a terrible time making decisions, and I sort of like being able to post certain things in certain places. I've missed IJ though, and I feel comfortable here, so I'd like to get back into at least a semi-regular updating pattern.

A lot has been happening recently, most of which revolves around my application and acceptance to Uppsala University, and the approval of my residence permit. In less than 5 days I'll be leaving Moline, hopefully for good, but for at least two years while I study for a master's degree. To say I'm happy would be the understatement of the century. I still can't believe I've gotten so lucky, and I keep waiting to wake up from the dream and realize it's not real. But that hasn't happened yet, so I'm doing my best to accept that maybe I do deserve something that I've really wanted. I'm going to try to make the best of it and not take any of it for granted.

To be perfectly honest I never believed it would happen. I'd sent applications to schools in Norway and The Netherlands too, since I was so positive Uppsala wouldn't accept me. Even if they did, with the new tuition fees for non-EU students I thought there'd be no way I could ever afford it, even with student loans. To my complete and utter shock I was not only accepted but approved for some extra student loan funds which will be plenty to live comfortably on.

I thought the lucky streak would end and that my student residence permit would be denied, since I applied for one before and wasn't accepted. Those courses were all online, though, and the American student loan system changed while I was there the first time. I was still super anxious waiting to hear something for three months, though, and expected them to say no. For some reason, they didn't, and last week I got an email saying that I was approved.

I keep waiting for it to sink in. I've been buying things and making plans, but it still doesn't feel real to me. I do I deserve this? Sweden has always felt like home to me. I'm still avoidant and will always have issues, but I'm just not as anxious so often when I'm in Sweden. And I have friends there, real ones, three of whom are only a short bus ride away from Uppsala and the others an overnight ride.

I feel like this is a second chance for me. I think, just maybe, I can at least make an attempt to become the person I want to be. I'll be able to apply for a personnummer, and will have better health care than I've ever had in America. That alone makes me feel like I've won the lottery. I'll also be at a large university, and will try my hardest to socialize as much as I can. I'm going to join a choir, something I haven't been part of for years now and miss terribly.

In short, the universe is really being nice to me right now, and I'm just sort of floating around in a daze. I really cannot wait.
mutedtempest: (Default)
since I’m really disorganized in my head right now. I’m very happy to be going, don’t get me wrong, but I was so sure it wasn’t going to happen that I was sort of knocked on my ass when things finally came together.Now I feel like I’m scrabbling to get everything together at the last minute, although in reality I have very little left that I need to do before I go.

I finally told my family that I’m going. Most of them took it very well, but my Nans (my mother’s mother) is having a hard time with it. I made her cry, and I feel horrible for that. When I’m in the States I live in the upper apartment of my great grandmother’s duplex, since it’d be sitting empty otherwise. I also try to keep an eye on her, but it’s difficult because even at 99 she’s stubborn as a mule and refuses to let me help her with anything. Still, I try to check on her a few times a day and help with whatever she’ll let me do, and I know it’s going to be really rough on my Nans to know that she’s here mostly alone. (My…I guess he’d be a second cousin? something of that sort anyway) lives in the basement apartment, but he’s a bit…different, and while a nice guy I’m not sure he’d know what to do if something should happen to her. So I feel really bad for taking that peace of mind away, but as my Nans said, I can’t put my life on hold for that. I suppose that’s true, but I still feel guilty.

I went to the library and got all the paperwork I should need printed off, including my plane ticket. I have that all packed in my file folder, and I have a compression bag of clothes already packed. I need to try to roll it down a bit more, but aside from doing laundry before I go and packing a few little things from that, I’m ready clothes-wise. I also packed up most of my diabetic supplies, and went today to get the remaining refills on my insulin to take with me. Really, the only things I have left to pack are the insulin itself and my carry on bag with laptop, phone and some little things.

I also need to clean the apartment, mainly the food. I’ve been shopping light for awhile so as not to have much to get rid of, and my family will be taking some of the frozen and dry things. Then I’ll have to vacuum, scrub everything down, dust and mop the kitchen floor. I’ll be leaving the apartment pretty much intact since it’ll be empty anyway, but I’d like to get it as clean as I possibly can.

See? I knew this post would be rambly. I think the stress of having an actual departure date and knowing that this is really happening are putting me a little on edge. I’m sure things will be just fine, but the anticipation/anxiety from these final days in America is freaking me out a little anyway.
mutedtempest: (Default)
I’m still sort of in shock at being granted the residence permit. I’m not sure when it’s going to sink in, but it hasn’t yet! I’ve gotten everything I could ever possibly need for the trip over, though, even travel-sized bottles of shampoo and bodywash from the drugstore. I’m planning to carry everything on rather than checking, since I’ll have to change planes in Chicago. I’ve made this same flight before several times and never had an issue with luggage being lost, but it’d be my luck that this time I will, so I’d rather not risk it.

I’ll be arriving on the 24th, which is two days after the recommended arrival date and right in the middle of orientation week. From what I’ve read, the orientation activities mainly involve parties for new students at the nations, which are something unique to the cities of Lund, Uppsala and Helsinki and are something of a cross between a frat/sorority, a social club and a pub/cafe, usually with choirs, bands and other clubs and organizations. I’ll try to describe them more on a later post when I’ve had a bit more experience with them, but since I’m somewhat averse to parties of the sort that seem to go on there I’d much rather not go. There are also some meetings for international students, but the week seems centered more around tours of the city and nation parties than anything else, and quite frankly I just don’t feel it necessary.

I also haven’t found any accommodation yet, so one of my friends in Stockholm was kind enough to invite me to go to her country house until classes begin on the 29th. I’m going to go and try to relax a little before classes start. I know I’ll need to choose a nation and acclimate myself to Uppsala itself, but I’d really rather save the money I’d have to spend at a hotel to be there for orientation. I’ll need to be there for my first course meeting of course, but I think the other things should be easy enough to figure out after that, especially since I won’t have an address until September 1st if I’m offered an apartment for the short term.
mutedtempest: (Default)
I still can’t really believe it, and I’m sitting here expecting it to be revoked at any second, but I was given approval for a student residence permit yesterday. Once I knew, I booked a flight as soon as I could. Orientation week begins the 22nd and I was hoping to be in Sweden a bit before that so that I could recover from the jetlag, which affects me and the diabetes quite a bit. I was also going to spend some time with my friends in Stockholm before school stuff started. Flight prices were over a thousand dollars for any date prior to August 23rd, though, so I decided to book something a bit cheaper. I ended up paying $789 for a one-way ticket to Arlanda from Moline, with a stopover in Chicago. I could have booked something cheaper and had more stops, but I figured I’d make things as easy on myself as possible. The plane leaves at 1:40pm Chicago time, and after the stopover and flight, it’s scheduled to land at 7:45am in Stockholm.

I’m still in a sort of daze about it. I tend to feel like I don’t deserve anything good, and when I actually manage to get good things, it’s hard to accept. I emailed my program’s contact person with my arrival date and asked if there’s anything I need to do regarding registration or anything like that before the first class meeting (Monday the 29th). Haven’t heard back yet, but I feel better having asked.

I still have no idea where I’ll be living. I applied for one of the short-term apartments through the student union, and I’m sure it’ll be fine, but occupancy on those isn’t until September 1st. So I’ll have about a week or so to figure out. I can afford to stay in a hotel or a hostel, but I really don’t want to since they’re so expensive in Sweden. I’m not sure, maybe I’ll ask the Stockholmers if they’d mind me crashing there for a bit.

I still have some things to get settled before I leave, namely telling my grandparents I’ll be going. They’re steadfastly against the idea because they had to pay for my flight home the last time I was in Sweden, and I know they don’t want to have to face that possibility again. I should also get another travel adapter and some luggage tags, and some other little things. For the next few days I think I’m just going to sit here and thank any gods there might be for giving me this opportunity. I have a feeling this is going to be a lifechanger.
mutedtempest: (Default)
I'm getting pretty antsy about leaving for Uppsala. It's not so much the trip in itself, since I've basically done it before. Not that exact city, of course, but I've taken several trips that were very similar, have lived abroad, all that jazz. Of course this time will be different since I'll be attending a foreign university, but still. Once the initial anxiety of "oh God I'm in a new place and have no idea what I'm supposed to DO!" wears off, I'll adjust pretty quickly. Always have before, at least, so I have that going for me. I also have several dear friends not far away, and that's very comforting since it's a fairly new development in my life.

No, most of the nervousness I haven't been able to shake lately is due to the whole residence permit situation. Anyone who knows me or has followed my blogs in the past few years knows how disappointed I was in being unable to get a residence permit approved for Lund in 2009. I was told that the Migration Board didn't accept conditional loans. Now, of course, that was an online masters program, and the loan program for American students studying abroad has changed a lot since then. I've been assured that the student loans are accepted now, and there's not much more I can do about it but wait and hope.

I still have more than a month until classes actually begin, and I received an email from the Permit Unit on July 15th stating that they were looking at my case. So, it shouldn't take too long, all told. Could, of course, but I'm hoping they can get an answer to me sometime in the beginning/middle of August.

I just feel like I'm sort of locked in place. If the permit gets approved, I'll be spending at least the next two years of my life in Sweden. That makes me really happy, but I sort of need to prepare for a big move like that. I have airline tickets to buy, housing to get sorted out, shopping to do (for luggage, a good laptop, a global phone, etc.), and a lot of mental preparation since I'll be attending a large university with a lot of people to interact with on a regular basis. I'm pretty confident that I can do it, and think I need to in order to grow as a person, but it's still gonna take some getting used to in my head.

If the permit isn't approved, well...I'm going to appeal that decision. I did with Lund, too, but it didn't work. Still, the loans are offered by the school, if a student isn't allowed to GO to school with them they shouldn't be offered, and since the school has assured me they're accepted, I will appeal. But I also don't want to start preparing to go before I know for sure. I think the experience with Lund left a bad taste in my mouth about the entire process, and I'm not going to buy a new laptop, phone and luggage, or a plane ticket, without being 100% sure.

Waiting is hard. I lack patience. lol
mutedtempest: (Default)
I know I haven't updated in awhile, and to anyone that reads this (yeah, as if, but just on the off-chance) I'm sorry for that, but nothing really interesting has been happening so I felt no need to clutter my pretty blog up with posts about watching Doctor Who like a rabid fangirl and going for short walks around the neighborhood.

I did start my two classes at American Public University, and those are going fairly well so far, although my level of motivation is virtually nil. Still, they make me feel like I'm not completely wasting my time, so they're serving their purpose. I was also accepted into a masters program at Uppsala University, which is good news but I'm trying to hold off on getting into party mode over it until the residence permit is in my hands. I know it sounds defeatist, but my experiences with the Swedish Migration Board have NOT been very good so far and I don't want to get my hopes up only to have them dashed for some arbitrary reason decided on that day by some disgruntled bureaucratic worker. But I digress, and say only that I'll do my best to make it happen.

I am also pleased to report that I got a job, after almost five months of searching. It happened rather suddenly, and I didn't exactly go about accepting it the way I should have as an avoidant. Basically, I did something I know better than to do and feel like a complete dunce about it.

Read more )

random blah

Mar. 4th, 2011 04:20 pm
mutedtempest: (Default)
blah )
mutedtempest: (Default)
I'm sure everyone's heard of the shootings in Arizona by now. And I'm sure that pretty much everyone reading this knows how badly I've wanted to leave America for years. This event has made me feel unsafe in my own country. Yes, the gunman was clearly not right in the head, but...the fact that a prominent if often joked about politician ran this ad not long beforehand?

I mean, what the holy hell IS that?? A list of names and crosshairs spread over the map indicating where the people on the list are. Okay, I'm sure Palin didn't actually MEAN it to be taken literally, but...come on, woman, you live in America. Alaska, yeah, but you're still an American and you fucking know what the gun culture is here. What on earth would EVER possess you to post something like that? And you wonder why so many people hate you. The bad part is that for every sensible, goodhearted American who despises you and what you stand for, there are one or more who fully support you. Sometimes, like this one, quite literally.

I think what scares me the most about all this is that this list is targeting those who voted for the new "universal" (HA!) health plan. What the everloving fuck is wrong with people? A nine year old girl was shot and killed, along with many others. Way too many. And that makes me sick. And scared.

I've been scared to live here for a long time. Instances like this are far too common. The health care is abysmal, and this incident just proves how completely fucking moronic a good portion of the country is about universal health care systems. I've been told I'm less than human my entire life based on who I love, and I simply do not feel in any way comfortable trying to plan out any sort of life in this country.

I believe in revolution. Wholeheartedly. And I do think America can live up to the tiniest bit of its potential if it drops all the arrogance, ignorance and pretense. But a nation, or at least a man fueled by a political campaign driven by hatred and violence, that makes war on children at a grocery store on a weekend is not a place I want to live.

Call it an overreaction. At this point I honestly don't care.
mutedtempest: (Default)
Today is Christmas Eve, and a lot of people In the US have celebrations today. Tomorrow too, but today is still big. My family is very nontraditional when it comes to holiday stuff, and we usually just gather at my aunt's and eat some weird kind of gourmet food that she insists on, usually something elegant like prime rib. Personally I'd rather be traditional and have a turkey and all that stuff, but hey, what can I do.

I've been in Sweden for the past two Christmases. 2008 was spent with DD and her family, and 2009, I was by myself, but in my awesome apartment with good food so it was fine. I did call my family in the States but it never seemed like they missed me, which is probably true, they don't seem to like me much in general lol.

I adore Christmas but it usually makes me kinda lonely. I love all the lights, the music, the decorations, the way people seem to be sweeter to one another in general (of course, I don't work retail so this little observation hasn't yet been sullied by reality :P). I've always wanted a family, and this seems like the big "family holiday" for most people. I'm a lone wolf in general, but it still kinda hurts.

Anyway, I'd been somewhat dreading going to my aunt's tonight. I'd been informed by my grandpa that "oh, well, she invited you" which I still think is a bit odd...I mean, I'm family, shouldn't it just be expected that I be there? I know I haven't been in the country at the holidays for years, but still, I'd never thought my family would feel the need to "invite" me to the Christmas celebration.

My anxiety had been going haywire over the prospect of sitting around trying to make conversation with all these people, and the uncle who doesn't like me at all, and the fact that since being laid off I can't even afford to buy any gifts for anyone, and I just wasn't looking forward to it. So, yesterday I called my grandpa and tried to explain that it's just not a comfortable situation for me, and that I'm sure no one really cares whether I'm there or not. He got mad and said that I'll have to make conversation with people my whole life and that I need to stop using the anxiety as an excuse so often. And while he's right...these people never act like they want me around, so really, why should I go and subject myself to hours upon hours of feeling anxious and awkward? I told him I was sorry but that I couldn't do it.

This morning, he called to make sure I wasn't coming, and told me that I was still "invited." Yeah, thanks. Got it. Then he said that with all the snow (we've gotten about 6 inches in this area so driving sucks right now) it'd be a "real nuisance" to come pick me up anyway. I know what he meant, but just...gah.

I know this post is kind of emo and whiny but sometimes I just don't understand why my family are such asses to me all the time. Makes me feel horrible. I take solace in the fact that I have lovely friends who care about me and have wished me Merry Christmas. I'm gonna spend tonight and tomorrow curled up in my blankie and slippers, watching the final season of Seinfeld and then Undeclared. I'm also gonna make the trek down the block to the gas station and get myself some chocolate, which I only get a craving for about twice a year anyway. I have one now, though, and I see no reason to deny myself. I'm also gonna make sure I have food and stuff to make it until the City wakes up and gets things cleared off so the buses can run. I'll also be able to see the clerks who work there, who are pretty much all my buddies since I live so close and am in there so much lol. I think that'll be good for cheering me up. Then I'll put on some Christmas music and forget that my family kinda sucks in general. Next year, and hopefully every year after that, I'll be in Sweden at least somewhat close to my real family, so it's gonna be just fine.

Merry Christmas, everyone!
mutedtempest: (Default)
So, I know I've been neglecting my blogs for a long time now, and I don't really have a good reason why. I guess since nothing was really going on in my life I didn't see the need to type out how boring I am, or something. It's also been a rough few weeks with the anxiety. I knew moving back here would be rough since I've never really had friends in town, but for the past few weeks I've been physically unable to leave my house a lot of the time.

I've been depressed. Like, worse than usual. It felt like my life was going nowhere fast; couldn't even hold down a temp job, I was broke (well, still am but meh) had really no plan or hope for the future, etc. I went so far as to ask a friend to fake a relationship with me so I could move back to Sweden and go to school, and while I'm pretty ashamed of that now, at the time there didn't seem to be any other feasible options. When she said no, I sorta wanted to disappear. Completely.

Things are looking up now, though. I realized I was being way too picky in my plans for the future and decided to expand my options, and did some research on the University of Oslo. Not only do they have a program in Nordic Viking and Medieval Studies, which would be super badass, they have guaranteed student housing and it's easy for students to get jobs. As if that wasn't awesome enough, after I graduate I can stay in Norway on a 6 month working permit to search for a decent job, and if I find one, I can just stay on a work permit and become a permanent resident in 3 years. So, needless to say, I'm definitely applying there. I also contacted Uppsala to check one last time on fees and student loans, not expecting much. But I was told that the loans are perfectly fine, so I'm going to apply to several programs there too. And if neither of those work...there's always Denmark. Those unis don't start accepting applications until April, though, so I have plenty of time. One way or another I'm gonna go back there, though.

On the employment front, I'm back at my temp job after almost two months of being laid off. Relief would be a huge understatement, although now I have to get used to leaving the house at 5:30 again. Totally worth it though. I'm also going to do some testing for a 911 dispatcher job next week, and I'm really hoping I'm able to get that because it'd be steady if various hours and $19.624 an hour, so...whoooooo rich me!

Other than that, my life isn't spectacularly exciting lately. I'm doing Nano, although it's a pretty half assed attempt right now since the job and my laziness make me not care as much as I should. It's just for fun for me anyway, so meh. But I'm working on it. And I miss Sweden and my Swedes like crazy and cant wait to be back and see them again.


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July 2016

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