mutedtempest: (adipose)
[personal profile] mutedtempest
I forget that, a lot of the time. I'm sure the bipolar plays into that a lot, as does the anxiety, but I really need to make myself focus on the positive more often. The world's not perfect and never will be, and my life will never be either. But I've made it this far, I'm living in another country studying an advanced degree. A conversation with a friend earlier made me realize that yeah, I feel guilty about all that. Deep down I don't feel that I deserve it, or anything good. And logically I know that's a conditioned response, but it's still hard to work through. Because yes, I am very lucky to have these opportunities and I will never think otherwise, but I've worked to get here, too. Nothing was handed to me. And hell, I feel guilty for having graduated high school sometimes, given my situation then, but I did it anyway and I think I'm allowed, or at least should be, a bit of pride about that and how far I've come. At least a little. Not that I want to brag because gods know I don't, but I really need to remind myself that none of this has fallen into my lap either.

ANYWAY, in the grand scheme of things...while there are miseries all over the world that I don't want to and cannot discount, we do live in a pretty damn amazing time. Medicine and science are improving daily, there's a very nice cosmonaut tweeting and tumblring from orbit (that's some damn good wifi) and while people can be asses, they can also do really amazing things for the world and for other people. I think I need to focus on the good more, since seeing what we want to see becomes such a habit.
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