Nightmares
Mar. 10th, 2008 03:24 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mutedtempestI tried to take a nap awhile ago before watching the latest L Word episode (which was fucking adorable and I'm now officially in love with Shane lol) but it didn't quite work out. I only gt an hour or so of sleep before I got woken up the same way I usually do: a nightmare.
I've been having pretty much the same nightmare for years now. The setting changes at times, but it's generally the same premise. I'm stuck in a house, or an apartment, or SOMETHING, and I'm never allowed to leave. I still live with my dad and stepmom in the dreams, and no matter where it happens to be, their actual house, the house I live in now, or some new one we've somehow moved into, I'm always told that it's against the law for me to live away from them. I'm always in my 20's in the dreams, so it doesn't really make any sense, but that's always what happens.
So I'm always unable to leave. Now, these dreams aren't scary or anything, in the sense of like monsters or whatever. But I always wake up feeling really cold and short of breath, with a really bad feeling in my stomach. I feel afraid, and I don't really know why as there's no immediate danger in the dreams. 99% of the time my dad never even says anything mean to me. I just have to live with him, and I've never managed to get away while still in the dream.
Sometimes, it's not even about me wanting to get away. Sometimes I'm just back at my parents' house, doing random things. I talk to my dad and my brothers and sometimes even my stepmom, and nothing bad happens. But there's this feeling of dread that I can never, ever shake. And when I wake up from one of them, I still can't shake that feeling, and it makes it completely impossible to go back to sleep.
The other one is watching my mother die. She's a skeleton and I watch her choke on...something. I don't know. Her own tongue? These aren't nearly as common but they do happen every now and then.
So, I usually stay up as long as I possibly can. I always try to exhaust myself so that when I sleep it'll just be dark, no dreams. Rarely happens. But I try. So I'll sit up on the computer for days at a fucking time. The past few days I've been doing this and haven't been able to write a single goddamn line!!! I'm fucking useless. But at least this way I can watch Six Feet Under and the L Word and not have nightmares.
I know it's likely because I still havent gotten over what happened in the past. I dont know if I'll ever be free of the nightmares.
I've been having pretty much the same nightmare for years now. The setting changes at times, but it's generally the same premise. I'm stuck in a house, or an apartment, or SOMETHING, and I'm never allowed to leave. I still live with my dad and stepmom in the dreams, and no matter where it happens to be, their actual house, the house I live in now, or some new one we've somehow moved into, I'm always told that it's against the law for me to live away from them. I'm always in my 20's in the dreams, so it doesn't really make any sense, but that's always what happens.
So I'm always unable to leave. Now, these dreams aren't scary or anything, in the sense of like monsters or whatever. But I always wake up feeling really cold and short of breath, with a really bad feeling in my stomach. I feel afraid, and I don't really know why as there's no immediate danger in the dreams. 99% of the time my dad never even says anything mean to me. I just have to live with him, and I've never managed to get away while still in the dream.
Sometimes, it's not even about me wanting to get away. Sometimes I'm just back at my parents' house, doing random things. I talk to my dad and my brothers and sometimes even my stepmom, and nothing bad happens. But there's this feeling of dread that I can never, ever shake. And when I wake up from one of them, I still can't shake that feeling, and it makes it completely impossible to go back to sleep.
The other one is watching my mother die. She's a skeleton and I watch her choke on...something. I don't know. Her own tongue? These aren't nearly as common but they do happen every now and then.
So, I usually stay up as long as I possibly can. I always try to exhaust myself so that when I sleep it'll just be dark, no dreams. Rarely happens. But I try. So I'll sit up on the computer for days at a fucking time. The past few days I've been doing this and haven't been able to write a single goddamn line!!! I'm fucking useless. But at least this way I can watch Six Feet Under and the L Word and not have nightmares.
I know it's likely because I still havent gotten over what happened in the past. I dont know if I'll ever be free of the nightmares.
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no subject
Date: 2008-03-10 09:24 pm (UTC)You should invite Shane into your dreams, maybe she can cheer you up a bit? Maybe she can tear down your tent?
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Date: 2008-03-10 09:44 pm (UTC)Lol! It's funny, I just got this comment right after I posted my next entry, haha. And you're in that dream. Not Shane though. Although that'd be good.