I'm scared
Jan. 11th, 2009 04:42 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mutedtempestbut I've realized that I can't live this way anymore. It's not fair for the person I love to have to put up with the thing I'm becoming, and furthermore it just isn't fair to me.
I have social anxiety. Sometimes it's severe. And it came incredibly close to ruining what should have been an amazing Christmas wih DD and her family (and roomies and roomie's boyfriend, etc.). It really scared me, because I thought I could handle it and it turned out that I simply couldn't. I really think it almost cost me my relationship a few times, and that makes me really, really sad.
I'm always gonna be bipolar. Depressions make the social stuff so much worse for me, and they probably always will, at least a little bit. I can't fix the bipolar thing, but I do plan to seek treatment when I'm settled in a place that will allow me to do it affordably (graduate school, in any country outside the US, will do this). And I do plan to see someone, just to talk things out in the meantime. I think that will really help me.
The anxiety thing is another story. I'm VERY against being medicated for that since i know that it can be taken care of naturally, to a large extent. The great majority of my social stuff doesnt make me have panic attacks, which is the only thing I would consent to being medicated for. As to the other stuff...I just haven't been able to get over that hump and make myself go out more. I've been pretty content to shut myself away, and that scares me since my greatest fear is ending up a shut-in who simply cannot leave her room for anything.
So, I'm making a resolution to do what I can in that regard. On Monday, I am going to one of the thrift shops up the street that is always looking for volunteers. If nothing else it'll get me out of the room a few hours a week, and I think that's important, at least as a first step. I'malso planning to do some social things with my roommate Nora, who's moving back either this Monday or the next one. She's pretty social and likes to go out and do things, so I think it'd be a good thing.
I also have a coffee invitation from a girl who lives here. The only problem with that is that her Myspace page says "Id like to meet kind, caring and loyal friends for chats and lunches. Woman are prefered though, guys will be seriously scrutinised for weirdness and/or perversions. I am seriously considering being Bi but i cant get a girl who's in the least bit interested." I really hope she's okay with sticking with chats and lunches, since that's what I need. Although, now that I think about it...if she's a girl-virgin, maybe I should get some practice in? It's been over 3 years and I don't think I know how to do anything anymore. lol. And it's not like she can really make fun of me, she doesnt know anything either! lol. God, Sara really fucked me up by constantly telling me I was horrible in bed. haha.
But, yeah. I need to really force myself to get out of the house. I think I've really hurt myself with the past few years of online courses, I never really leave my room unless I need food. And that's just not right. I want to try to be the best person I can, and if I just accept that I shut myself in the great majority of the time, I can't do that. I don't want to look back 30 years from now and have every memory in my life pertain to the internet in some way.
I have social anxiety. Sometimes it's severe. And it came incredibly close to ruining what should have been an amazing Christmas wih DD and her family (and roomies and roomie's boyfriend, etc.). It really scared me, because I thought I could handle it and it turned out that I simply couldn't. I really think it almost cost me my relationship a few times, and that makes me really, really sad.
I'm always gonna be bipolar. Depressions make the social stuff so much worse for me, and they probably always will, at least a little bit. I can't fix the bipolar thing, but I do plan to seek treatment when I'm settled in a place that will allow me to do it affordably (graduate school, in any country outside the US, will do this). And I do plan to see someone, just to talk things out in the meantime. I think that will really help me.
The anxiety thing is another story. I'm VERY against being medicated for that since i know that it can be taken care of naturally, to a large extent. The great majority of my social stuff doesnt make me have panic attacks, which is the only thing I would consent to being medicated for. As to the other stuff...I just haven't been able to get over that hump and make myself go out more. I've been pretty content to shut myself away, and that scares me since my greatest fear is ending up a shut-in who simply cannot leave her room for anything.
So, I'm making a resolution to do what I can in that regard. On Monday, I am going to one of the thrift shops up the street that is always looking for volunteers. If nothing else it'll get me out of the room a few hours a week, and I think that's important, at least as a first step. I'malso planning to do some social things with my roommate Nora, who's moving back either this Monday or the next one. She's pretty social and likes to go out and do things, so I think it'd be a good thing.
I also have a coffee invitation from a girl who lives here. The only problem with that is that her Myspace page says "Id like to meet kind, caring and loyal friends for chats and lunches. Woman are prefered though, guys will be seriously scrutinised for weirdness and/or perversions. I am seriously considering being Bi but i cant get a girl who's in the least bit interested." I really hope she's okay with sticking with chats and lunches, since that's what I need. Although, now that I think about it...if she's a girl-virgin, maybe I should get some practice in? It's been over 3 years and I don't think I know how to do anything anymore. lol. And it's not like she can really make fun of me, she doesnt know anything either! lol. God, Sara really fucked me up by constantly telling me I was horrible in bed. haha.
But, yeah. I need to really force myself to get out of the house. I think I've really hurt myself with the past few years of online courses, I never really leave my room unless I need food. And that's just not right. I want to try to be the best person I can, and if I just accept that I shut myself in the great majority of the time, I can't do that. I don't want to look back 30 years from now and have every memory in my life pertain to the internet in some way.