i hate this
Nov. 2nd, 2008 05:47 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mutedtempestI just stood at my door, my hand on the handle, for more than fifteen minutes. I needed to use the bathroom, but i could hear my roommates talking to each other in the kitchen and i was too scared to leave the room.
When I finally managed it, I realized that there is no way in hell I'll be able to handle dinner with them and Colin's parents tonight. I'm just way too scared.
I made up an excuse about being sick and not wanting to pass the germs along. It was a lie and I hated telling it, but I simply CANNOT tell them the truth. They think I'm odd enough as it is, I'm sure of it.
After I made my excuse and went back to my room, I heard them both laughing. I know, somewhere in my mind, that it's 99% sure they were laughing at something else. But all I knew was that I heard laughter and it made me sob. I had to do it silently so they couldnt hear, but i cried for almost half an hour. I am POSITIVE that my roommates hate me and think I'm too weird to live with, that tomorrow morning Colin will politely ask me to leave when the month is up. I'm so fucking scared.
I did some research. I want to know what the hell this thing is and how the fuck I can fix it before I become a complete shut-in. It's getting worse all the time. Back home it could get bad but I always had the buffer; I could go to dinner with my aunt or my grandparents or Lisa and KNOW that I was liked by them. I could even go myself into public places, because I knew they were close if I needed them. Here, I don't have that. Colin's mum is the sweetest lady imaginable and I STILL cant even handle the thought of having dinner with her, her husband and her son (who are also very sweet).
I don't think I'm agoraphobic. I mean I'd probably be classified as that, but the majority of the symptoms don't fit me (but JUST enough to make the diagnosis...sigh). I don't mind CROWDS, I mind the PEOPLE in the crowds, because I'm SURE they look at me and see something not good enough. "Social anxiety"...yeah, big whoop; that's a very broad classification for an entire spectrum of different things, and I wanted to know EXACTLY what mine was.
I am not anti-social, in the psychological sense of the term. I have regard for other people's rights and space. I don't have dependent personality disorder; I do fear rejection by those close to me, but I can care for myself without their input. Those are the ones diagnosed at home, commonly. Granted, the bipolar disorder doesn't help matters, but I've done enough research to know that this is a completely separate issue.
In doing my research, I came across something I had never heard of before, and I sat in this chair and cried because it is me EXACTLY. I've self-diagnosed everything I have ever had, so I'm doing it again. I have Avoidant Personality Disorder. Seriously, this page is ME. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidant_personality_disorder
I'm kinda relieved to know, but I'm scared.
When I finally managed it, I realized that there is no way in hell I'll be able to handle dinner with them and Colin's parents tonight. I'm just way too scared.
I made up an excuse about being sick and not wanting to pass the germs along. It was a lie and I hated telling it, but I simply CANNOT tell them the truth. They think I'm odd enough as it is, I'm sure of it.
After I made my excuse and went back to my room, I heard them both laughing. I know, somewhere in my mind, that it's 99% sure they were laughing at something else. But all I knew was that I heard laughter and it made me sob. I had to do it silently so they couldnt hear, but i cried for almost half an hour. I am POSITIVE that my roommates hate me and think I'm too weird to live with, that tomorrow morning Colin will politely ask me to leave when the month is up. I'm so fucking scared.
I did some research. I want to know what the hell this thing is and how the fuck I can fix it before I become a complete shut-in. It's getting worse all the time. Back home it could get bad but I always had the buffer; I could go to dinner with my aunt or my grandparents or Lisa and KNOW that I was liked by them. I could even go myself into public places, because I knew they were close if I needed them. Here, I don't have that. Colin's mum is the sweetest lady imaginable and I STILL cant even handle the thought of having dinner with her, her husband and her son (who are also very sweet).
I don't think I'm agoraphobic. I mean I'd probably be classified as that, but the majority of the symptoms don't fit me (but JUST enough to make the diagnosis...sigh). I don't mind CROWDS, I mind the PEOPLE in the crowds, because I'm SURE they look at me and see something not good enough. "Social anxiety"...yeah, big whoop; that's a very broad classification for an entire spectrum of different things, and I wanted to know EXACTLY what mine was.
I am not anti-social, in the psychological sense of the term. I have regard for other people's rights and space. I don't have dependent personality disorder; I do fear rejection by those close to me, but I can care for myself without their input. Those are the ones diagnosed at home, commonly. Granted, the bipolar disorder doesn't help matters, but I've done enough research to know that this is a completely separate issue.
In doing my research, I came across something I had never heard of before, and I sat in this chair and cried because it is me EXACTLY. I've self-diagnosed everything I have ever had, so I'm doing it again. I have Avoidant Personality Disorder. Seriously, this page is ME. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidant_personality_disorder
I'm kinda relieved to know, but I'm scared.
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no subject
Date: 2008-11-02 12:41 pm (UTC)And yeah, I don't tell you a lot of it because I think you'll think I'm weird and you won't like me anymore. lol.
Ths is what really made me cry. Under Causes: Many people diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder have had painful early experiences of chronic parental and or societal criticism or rejection. The need to bond with the rejecting parents makes the avoidant person hungry for relationships but their longing gradually develops into a defensive shell of self-protection against repeated criticisms.
All I can think is my stepmom called me stupid. For years on end, no matter what I did, it was stupid. I was stupid. All I wanted was for her to like me and she justsaid I was stupid. My dad called me an educated idiot, and he was my hero. That's why I freaked out when you said I was stupid, I'm sorry. Anything else i'm fine with but that word i hate it.
And yeah, I know. so that's good.