Bonus Task 1. Stand up for myself when I treat MYSELF badly

[mutedtempest]

I feel like crying. For a really really long time. And it's making me nuts because there's no real reason for me to be sad. But I am. Like, really sad. Incredibly.

Great. I have a feeling it's gonna be one of those days again. And I get to go listen to what a failure i am when i go downstairs. Maybe I'll just fake sick and tell them i don't wanna spread germs. I just think it's too soon since the last time one of my grandparents told me I'm not good enough. And it's not that I really believe it anymore, because I'm starting not to, but constantly hearing it isn't good either.

I'm gonna add a bonus task to my list about standing up for myself when I treat MYSELF badly. And I think going down there, in the long run, is just gonna stress me out more. To make this work I have to surround myself with positive influences, especially in the beginning, or I know I won't stick with it. And granted, I can't avoid my family forever...but for now, I think it's in my own best interests if I do.

This is new for me. I'm so used to reverting back to the old thought processes where I'm not good enough to do anything or make anything work, everything bad that happens is my fault, etc. Mostly because I was trained to think that way, but I've allowed it continue. So, I'm stopping. It's gonna take a long time but I'm making the conscious effort to stop those thoughts before they start.

...I have a feeling this will be the hardest thing to complete.

Right now, I feel like I need my safe space where nobody can get in and make me feel like I'm not worth anything. At least for today. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel stronger. I'm just worn out, emotionally. What sense does that make? Lol. But I still am.

Comments

[darknessdee.insanejournal.com]

Don't be sad :( Because then I have to throw negerbollar at you

Hey I can be your positive influence? XD
And if they're mean I'm gonna go over there and slap them with a palt.

[mutedtempest.insanejournal.com]

That wouldn't work, they'd just try and intercept the hit with their mouths.

And I hope you can be my positive influence. I needs a hug. I dunno why I'm crying!!! Stupid bipolarisms. *grumble*

[darknessdee.insanejournal.com]

*gives BIG hug*

Hey, you can check this out, here's a Negerboll.

[mutedtempest.insanejournal.com]

I'll take the hug and give returns. Thank you so much.

You can keep your gross chocolate balls though, lol.

[darknessdee.insanejournal.com]

They're NOT chocolate balls! Chocolate balls are disgusting!
They're NEGERBOLLAR! And if you can't say that, then at least call them coffee balls or something! lol!

[mutedtempest.insanejournal.com]

fine, keep your gross coffee negerbollar then!!!

I'mma go take a bath so I can cry. brb

[darknessdee.insanejournal.com]

You're gonna go and cry in the bath? Why? T_T

[mutedtempest.insanejournal.com]

because i always feel dirty after i cry. and if i'm already in the bath, then...yeah. Also, I haven't taken one yet and it's 11am lol.

[darknessdee.insanejournal.com]

I haven't showered either yet, but it's sunday, so I don't care! I'm gonna do it later when I don't feel so dizzy and don't have to be afraid I'm gonna fall! lol

I wish you didn't have to cry :( *hug*