I just finished "You"

I feel sort of accomplished. That story is a behemoth, and this was the 69th chapter (har-har). I'd had a fairly detailed 4 pages written for about two weeks now, but I decided that I really wanted to be done with it before I leave for Sweden on Wednesday. So I opened Word and prepared myself to write another 5 pages, but in the end I simply wrote a couple brief paragraphs.

I just posted it, and this is the message i gave to the people that will probably contact me. It's not that I think I have masses of adoring fans, but I've felt pressured about this story from several readers and I hope this little note is enough.

"I'm really sorry it's taken me so long to get this out. Life has been pretty hectic for me, and it's only going to get worse since I'm going into my final semester of undergrad and then onto graduate school. Because of that, I've decided that this is the final chapter of this particular story. I just don't have the time to devote to it that I once did, and when I sit down to write it I just feel anxious and pressured to get it done. I don't enjoy writing it anymore, not like I once did.

I'm still a Danish fan, but I think it's time for me to move on. Dana has been dead on the show for several years now, and while I still believe the decision to kill her sucked, life moves on. I simply don't feel the connection to this ship that I once did, and I don't think it's fair to myself or to you to drag this on when I'm just not feeling it anymore.

So, I apologize. I tried to end it on a happy note, and I hope that you don't feel like I'm shortchanging you too badly."

Honestly, I feel more accomplished and relieved about this than I do about the semester being over with, finally. I still have one class to finish by March, but aside from that one, I'm done until January 20th.

It's kinda surprising that I feel so good about this. I thought I would feel guilty, since back in October or November 2006 I promised that I would keep writing the stpry until the show ended. But fuck that, things are finally starting to go well for me and I don't want to chain myself to a story i don't like anymore.

The sun's not even up yet and I've already made progress

lol.

Earlier this year I had some issues with some people that really fucked with my self-esteem. They have a forum, where they go to talk amongst themselves. Back when I was included in their group of friends, I posted there quite a bit. I still go there and still post a little bit, because a couple people there are good to talk to. Still, it makes me feel bad to go when 98% of the (regular) posters hate me.

I've wanted to move on for a long time now, but it's very hard. I'm somewhat addicted to self-punishment, and as much as I don't want to go there I still do. This morning I sent a private message to one of the admins, who happens to be one of the few there that still like me. It goes as follows:

"I was just wondering if there's any way my account on here could be disabled.

I like the forum and think it's great, but since the overwhelming majority of the people that post here hate me, I think it's bad for my self-esteem to come here. I'd love it if I were able to simply give it up on my own, but I have a real problem doing that. I guess I'm something of a masochist. If I need to be banned, that's fine, I was just wondering if there's another way to go about it. I looked in the control panel, but there doesnt seem to be an option to close accounts.

Nothing has happened, so please don't think there's been any drama. There hasn't. I simply know every time I log in that lots of people here despise me, and I really want to move on with my life. Coming here is a hindrance to the progress I've been making in the self-esteem department. It's not anyone here specifically, but as a whole, it just makes me feel bad about myself for things I'm not able to change now.

Thanks for reading and I'm sorry if I'm causing any trouble."

I know it seems like a small thing, and it probably is. But it's a big deal to me.