![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
I hate my brain sometimes.
Dec. 4th, 2008 08:47 pmI've been working on a lot of school things lately. I've also been in a mad search for a job, one that takes hours every day. And still, I feel like I'm doing absolutely nothing useful.
I know I have no real reason to feel worthless, but I do. I feel like I contribute nothing, and no matter how much I try to convince my brain that it's okay, I still feel this way.
It might have to do with the fact that I'm not writing as much as I used to. I still am, just not quite as much and I don't spend hours every day doing it. I don't see the point. It isn't my job and it's made-up stories about a TV show, so why do I feel so bad about not wriitng it? Why do I feel like I'm not doing anything?
I'm a full time student for the first time in years. I'm scheduled to graduate with my bachelor's degree this spring and because of that I have a lot of schoolwork to do. Not all day every day by any means, but still a good deal. Still, anytime I browse the internet or watch TV I feel so incredibly guilty and worthless, and it makes no sense. I'm a fucking fulltime student, that's my job and it comes first. It's a lot and I shouldn't feel guilty for doing that and only that.
I'm looking for an actual job but am having no luck. It's not for lack of trying. I apply everywhere and have interviews a lot, but I still haven't been hired anywhere good. I'm trying though and I want a job, so I shouldn't feel worthless for not having one. And again, the student thing. Most students only work part time if at all while they're taking classes, and I'm looking for full time.
I've been having fairly severe anxiety lately. A lot of it is social, but there's also the whole thing about being so far from home. It's a good stress but it's stress all the same. Home was safe and as awesome as Scotland is it doesn't feel the same, and I got used to the way home felt.
I just want to be able to relax for awhile without feeling so damn guilty. I want to feel like I can watch a movie without also being on the computer. I want to allow myself to deal with my anxiety and not feel guilty for wasting hours trying to calm down.
Granted, I could be doing more. Everyone always could, I think. But relaxation is a part of all of it and I just can't seem to do that.
I'm just so tired of feeling so worthless about these things. It never used to be this way.
I know I have no real reason to feel worthless, but I do. I feel like I contribute nothing, and no matter how much I try to convince my brain that it's okay, I still feel this way.
It might have to do with the fact that I'm not writing as much as I used to. I still am, just not quite as much and I don't spend hours every day doing it. I don't see the point. It isn't my job and it's made-up stories about a TV show, so why do I feel so bad about not wriitng it? Why do I feel like I'm not doing anything?
I'm a full time student for the first time in years. I'm scheduled to graduate with my bachelor's degree this spring and because of that I have a lot of schoolwork to do. Not all day every day by any means, but still a good deal. Still, anytime I browse the internet or watch TV I feel so incredibly guilty and worthless, and it makes no sense. I'm a fucking fulltime student, that's my job and it comes first. It's a lot and I shouldn't feel guilty for doing that and only that.
I'm looking for an actual job but am having no luck. It's not for lack of trying. I apply everywhere and have interviews a lot, but I still haven't been hired anywhere good. I'm trying though and I want a job, so I shouldn't feel worthless for not having one. And again, the student thing. Most students only work part time if at all while they're taking classes, and I'm looking for full time.
I've been having fairly severe anxiety lately. A lot of it is social, but there's also the whole thing about being so far from home. It's a good stress but it's stress all the same. Home was safe and as awesome as Scotland is it doesn't feel the same, and I got used to the way home felt.
I just want to be able to relax for awhile without feeling so damn guilty. I want to feel like I can watch a movie without also being on the computer. I want to allow myself to deal with my anxiety and not feel guilty for wasting hours trying to calm down.
Granted, I could be doing more. Everyone always could, I think. But relaxation is a part of all of it and I just can't seem to do that.
I'm just so tired of feeling so worthless about these things. It never used to be this way.