New musics, yay

Okay, so usually I'm not too concerned when new music comes out, but the past week or so has been fucking awesome and I wanted to share. I downloaded Ladytron's new album and am really liking that, and I learned that Alanis has a new one out too. Say what you will, I think she's a great musician and I really admire her. I have since my aunt Lori, who is the most awesome family member ever to exist, got me into her back when i was about 12 or so. Maybe younger, I can't remember now. Anyway, I'm really digging her album too. It's sort of a mix of moods, and she does have some emo breakup songs, but her lyrics are exceptional so it's still great stuff. She gets a bit ideological on it, which is perfectly fine with me. I likes. Muchly.

My aunt, when she gave me a ride to hospital to see my grandpa last Wednesday, mentioned to me that she was going to see Sheryl Crow that night at our local venue. Now, I've never been in love with Sheryl or anything, but I do like her, so I gave some serious thought to going. Unfortunately my feet did not agree, and after a day in tennis shoes they flatly refused to let me walk anywhere when I got home. So, i had to miss the show and I'm still a little peeved at that, but I also found out that Sheryl has a new album out as well. Which makes sense, as she's touring and all. lol. I still need to get it, but from what I understand she has some very angry songs on it, which I think is a great. I love it when musicians are real, and she was obviously pissed off over the Lance Armstrong fiasco, so I'm looking forward to it.

Now, on to what has induced my happy: Nine Inch Nails is touring this summer, and they're going to Chicago, St. Louis and Minneapolis, so I'm going to go see them. I never really got into them back when they were really popular, but I absolutely adore their acoustic project that was released recently. I went back and listened to songs from their popular period, and I officially like them. A lot. They're offering an EP for download on their site, and I thought I'd share with whoever reads this. It's full of experimental indie electronica, and I kinda dig it.

Tis here: http://dl.nin.com/lightsinthesky/signup

my stupid feet

Okay. I haven't posted about this yet because I'm scared of it, and I have this completely illogical fear that if I write about it, it'll be real. Isn't that stupid?

I'm sure most of you know that diabetics risk losing limbs to amputation. My diabetes hasn't been under the best control all of my life, and I know that a great deal of that is my fault. But my lack of insurance and money plays a very large part too, I think. Maybe it's equal parts me and a government that refuses to adopt a health plan. Whatever, that's not the point. Suffice it to say that i know I'm not blameless in this, but I don't think that fact in any way discounts my fear.

I'm terrified. For the past month, my feet have been swollen. And when I say swollen, I don't mean just a slight swelling. I mean so swollen that I cannot even attempt to put any type of shoe other than a loose sandal on, and the great majority of the time I can't walk because it hurts so very badly to bend my feet enough to take a step.

I'm fairly certain that my feet are dying. I'm too fat to bring my leg up enough to be able to actually smell my foot, but I've been able to detect a certain stench that smells like something rotting. Not all the time, but every now and then, and I'm positive it's my feet.

They look like balloons. As if someone has breathed air into them. They glisten, for reasons unknown to me. I can't feel them sweating anymore, but I know they do it excessively, because when I do manage to put my sandals on they slide all over the place when I walk.

I'm losing sensation in them by degrees, I think. It's starting to hurt. First it only tingled in certain parts of each foot, and I could still feel the cool of the kitchen tiles when I hobbled on them to get a drink. Now, I feel flashes of pain in my toes, my heels, the bottoms of my feet, and I wonder how long their death will take, how long it'll be until I'm no longer able to stand.

Yes, I've been to my doctor. He has no idea. My blood sugars have been a bit up and down, but nothing to where my feet would suddenly swell this much. There doesn't seem to be an underlying cause. No matter what my blood sugar, they stay swollen. I've had blood drawn, and while the results aren't back, if my liver or kidneys were failing, I'm sure there'd be some other sign.

All I can conclude is that 25 years of uncontrolled diabetes is taking its toll. And while I realize it could be far worse, it amazes me how fucking desperately I want to keep my feet. Everything I do involves walking, and I wonder if people with debilitating spinal injuries feel the way I do, if they feel the fear and depression I am over this expectation of impending loss.

I'll still get around. I know that. But I'll never again be able to take off my shoes and walk in the grass. I'll forever be reduced to a second class citizen, be it in America, Scotland or Sweden. Everyone will constantly take into consideration my handicapped status, and that scares the fuck out of me. I want to be able to walk in my new country. And run. And climb the fucking stairs. And I'm scared that I won't get to do those things very much longer. I can barely do them now.

I don't know. I want to fix it. But I don't fucking know how. And neither do my doctors or the specialists at the hospital. All they do is draw blood and tell me to stay off my feet. I am, and it's not fixing them. Not at all.