my stupid feet
Jun. 9th, 2008 06:55 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mutedtempestOkay. I haven't posted about this yet because I'm scared of it, and I have this completely illogical fear that if I write about it, it'll be real. Isn't that stupid?
I'm sure most of you know that diabetics risk losing limbs to amputation. My diabetes hasn't been under the best control all of my life, and I know that a great deal of that is my fault. But my lack of insurance and money plays a very large part too, I think. Maybe it's equal parts me and a government that refuses to adopt a health plan. Whatever, that's not the point. Suffice it to say that i know I'm not blameless in this, but I don't think that fact in any way discounts my fear.
I'm terrified. For the past month, my feet have been swollen. And when I say swollen, I don't mean just a slight swelling. I mean so swollen that I cannot even attempt to put any type of shoe other than a loose sandal on, and the great majority of the time I can't walk because it hurts so very badly to bend my feet enough to take a step.
I'm fairly certain that my feet are dying. I'm too fat to bring my leg up enough to be able to actually smell my foot, but I've been able to detect a certain stench that smells like something rotting. Not all the time, but every now and then, and I'm positive it's my feet.
They look like balloons. As if someone has breathed air into them. They glisten, for reasons unknown to me. I can't feel them sweating anymore, but I know they do it excessively, because when I do manage to put my sandals on they slide all over the place when I walk.
I'm losing sensation in them by degrees, I think. It's starting to hurt. First it only tingled in certain parts of each foot, and I could still feel the cool of the kitchen tiles when I hobbled on them to get a drink. Now, I feel flashes of pain in my toes, my heels, the bottoms of my feet, and I wonder how long their death will take, how long it'll be until I'm no longer able to stand.
Yes, I've been to my doctor. He has no idea. My blood sugars have been a bit up and down, but nothing to where my feet would suddenly swell this much. There doesn't seem to be an underlying cause. No matter what my blood sugar, they stay swollen. I've had blood drawn, and while the results aren't back, if my liver or kidneys were failing, I'm sure there'd be some other sign.
All I can conclude is that 25 years of uncontrolled diabetes is taking its toll. And while I realize it could be far worse, it amazes me how fucking desperately I want to keep my feet. Everything I do involves walking, and I wonder if people with debilitating spinal injuries feel the way I do, if they feel the fear and depression I am over this expectation of impending loss.
I'll still get around. I know that. But I'll never again be able to take off my shoes and walk in the grass. I'll forever be reduced to a second class citizen, be it in America, Scotland or Sweden. Everyone will constantly take into consideration my handicapped status, and that scares the fuck out of me. I want to be able to walk in my new country. And run. And climb the fucking stairs. And I'm scared that I won't get to do those things very much longer. I can barely do them now.
I don't know. I want to fix it. But I don't fucking know how. And neither do my doctors or the specialists at the hospital. All they do is draw blood and tell me to stay off my feet. I am, and it's not fixing them. Not at all.
I'm sure most of you know that diabetics risk losing limbs to amputation. My diabetes hasn't been under the best control all of my life, and I know that a great deal of that is my fault. But my lack of insurance and money plays a very large part too, I think. Maybe it's equal parts me and a government that refuses to adopt a health plan. Whatever, that's not the point. Suffice it to say that i know I'm not blameless in this, but I don't think that fact in any way discounts my fear.
I'm terrified. For the past month, my feet have been swollen. And when I say swollen, I don't mean just a slight swelling. I mean so swollen that I cannot even attempt to put any type of shoe other than a loose sandal on, and the great majority of the time I can't walk because it hurts so very badly to bend my feet enough to take a step.
I'm fairly certain that my feet are dying. I'm too fat to bring my leg up enough to be able to actually smell my foot, but I've been able to detect a certain stench that smells like something rotting. Not all the time, but every now and then, and I'm positive it's my feet.
They look like balloons. As if someone has breathed air into them. They glisten, for reasons unknown to me. I can't feel them sweating anymore, but I know they do it excessively, because when I do manage to put my sandals on they slide all over the place when I walk.
I'm losing sensation in them by degrees, I think. It's starting to hurt. First it only tingled in certain parts of each foot, and I could still feel the cool of the kitchen tiles when I hobbled on them to get a drink. Now, I feel flashes of pain in my toes, my heels, the bottoms of my feet, and I wonder how long their death will take, how long it'll be until I'm no longer able to stand.
Yes, I've been to my doctor. He has no idea. My blood sugars have been a bit up and down, but nothing to where my feet would suddenly swell this much. There doesn't seem to be an underlying cause. No matter what my blood sugar, they stay swollen. I've had blood drawn, and while the results aren't back, if my liver or kidneys were failing, I'm sure there'd be some other sign.
All I can conclude is that 25 years of uncontrolled diabetes is taking its toll. And while I realize it could be far worse, it amazes me how fucking desperately I want to keep my feet. Everything I do involves walking, and I wonder if people with debilitating spinal injuries feel the way I do, if they feel the fear and depression I am over this expectation of impending loss.
I'll still get around. I know that. But I'll never again be able to take off my shoes and walk in the grass. I'll forever be reduced to a second class citizen, be it in America, Scotland or Sweden. Everyone will constantly take into consideration my handicapped status, and that scares the fuck out of me. I want to be able to walk in my new country. And run. And climb the fucking stairs. And I'm scared that I won't get to do those things very much longer. I can barely do them now.
I don't know. I want to fix it. But I don't fucking know how. And neither do my doctors or the specialists at the hospital. All they do is draw blood and tell me to stay off my feet. I am, and it's not fixing them. Not at all.
