Goals and aspirations for 2010
Jan. 1st, 2010 11:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mutedtempestGenerally I find the idea of New Year's resolutions rather lacking, since I don't believe true change can be motivated by changing the calendar. Resolutions also tend to be based more on absolutes than on realistic hopes for improvement. Still, I do think making clear goals is beneficial, and what better time to start than right now?
1. I think I've come a long way in the past year, and I want to keep that going. The social issues are huge for me, and I want to keep making strides in the right direction. That means I'm going to make another sincere attempt to refuse to allow my fears and insecurities to keep me from going to social events. I've been very good lately about casting my fears aside and forcing myself to go anyway, and I don't want to lose that.
2. I need to get re-motivated and reconnected to my studies. I may not adore the degree path I've chosen, but it's what allows me to stay in Sweden financially, and I need to take it much more seriously than I've been. That means allotting time to the modules each day, not just sporadically when I feel like it. I need to purchase a computer system that will handle my ARC-GIS software and I need to do the work on a set schedule so I don't slack off on it.
3. I need to pay much more attention to my health. I've been taking my injections regularly for the first time in my life and I've been doing much better this past year than I did for a very long time, but I still find myself relying more on how I feel than basing my food choices on my blood sugars. I have the money to afford testing supplies and there is absolutely no reason I can't test more often than I do. I also need to stop using the Humalog as an excuse to eat crappily and drink regular soda just because I physically CAN while taking it. That doesn't really matter in the long run. Eating what I want and drinking Coke and energy drinks might not make me sick anymore, but it's still a long way from healthy. I simply need to start eating better, and more regularly. Eating a big meal once every day and a half or so and skipping meals the rest of the time is making me sluggish as hell and fatter to boot. I need to get back into the habit of working out regularly, too, instead of blowing it off because I have to walk quite a bit each day since moving here. That can't be a copout anymore, no matter how lazy I feel. I have to get off my ass at least half an hour every day and do something, even if I've already walked across town and back for some reason before. Will be going on a detox cleanse starting as soon as I return from Lund, will make a more detailed posting on that later.
4. I need to continue focusing on the positives in my life and stop dwelling on the negatives. I've made vast improvements in this area too but I still have a long way to go. I need to keep working on allowing myself to be happy. I have every right to be. Sure I have my issues but I'm not a bad person and I deserve happiness as much as anyone else does. I need to stop letting myself get bogged down in sadness so often and I have to allow myself to have fun and enjoy my time here on earth. I get happy over the smallest things...rain on the trees, ducks, a hug, laughter, small children being adorable, old couples holding hands, sunny days at the park, and a million other things that a lot of people don't think twice about. Basically, I'm giving myself permission to stop and smell the roses more. Just because I allow myself to be happy doesn't mean some catastrophe is going to come along and cause me to be miserable again. I have nothing I need to be punished for and I'm not doomed to a life of sadness unless I CHOOSE that, and I don't.
5. On a very similar note, I need to work on loving myself. That sounds so childish, but it's really amazing how much abuse and neglect can stunt a person's emotional growth. I really am learning all these things for the first time, and I'm so late in the game that it's really difficult. But I have a chance, and no matter how hard it is, I'm very very lucky and thankful that I came out of the shadows in my mind and past when i did. I think i have a chance of saving myself and being somewhat "normal" by society's standards. Yeah, I'm extremely fucked up and I have a LOT to learn about myself and my feelings, but I can make it. I'm really not the horrible person I was always told I was, and I'm not worthless. Logically I know that, but emotionally it's taking some time. I think I'm making real progress though, and I need to allow myself to make mistakes without feeling like I've failed at life. Everyone messes up and I can too.
6. Allow my friends to care about me. I don't need to buy them gifts or do things for them all the time in order to secure their affection. People can and do love me for who I am, as weird as that seems to me. I have to stop thinking about people in such rigid absolutes. Yes, DD broke up with me but that doesn't mean she doesn't love me anymore. It's obvious she still does, just not in that way. And that's okay. Other people like me too, whether or not I buy them things or do them favors. I like doing that stuff so I still will, but I need to quit feeling obligated to. I need to allow myself to receive affection without feeling guilty for it. I do deserve it.
7. Pick my battles and prioritize better. Yes, staying here as long as I can is important and I should be all about that, but I don't need to fight with friends or family over stupid stuff that really means nothing in the long run.
I have some more but can't really think enough to articulate them at the moment, and this thing is long enough already. :P
1. I think I've come a long way in the past year, and I want to keep that going. The social issues are huge for me, and I want to keep making strides in the right direction. That means I'm going to make another sincere attempt to refuse to allow my fears and insecurities to keep me from going to social events. I've been very good lately about casting my fears aside and forcing myself to go anyway, and I don't want to lose that.
2. I need to get re-motivated and reconnected to my studies. I may not adore the degree path I've chosen, but it's what allows me to stay in Sweden financially, and I need to take it much more seriously than I've been. That means allotting time to the modules each day, not just sporadically when I feel like it. I need to purchase a computer system that will handle my ARC-GIS software and I need to do the work on a set schedule so I don't slack off on it.
3. I need to pay much more attention to my health. I've been taking my injections regularly for the first time in my life and I've been doing much better this past year than I did for a very long time, but I still find myself relying more on how I feel than basing my food choices on my blood sugars. I have the money to afford testing supplies and there is absolutely no reason I can't test more often than I do. I also need to stop using the Humalog as an excuse to eat crappily and drink regular soda just because I physically CAN while taking it. That doesn't really matter in the long run. Eating what I want and drinking Coke and energy drinks might not make me sick anymore, but it's still a long way from healthy. I simply need to start eating better, and more regularly. Eating a big meal once every day and a half or so and skipping meals the rest of the time is making me sluggish as hell and fatter to boot. I need to get back into the habit of working out regularly, too, instead of blowing it off because I have to walk quite a bit each day since moving here. That can't be a copout anymore, no matter how lazy I feel. I have to get off my ass at least half an hour every day and do something, even if I've already walked across town and back for some reason before. Will be going on a detox cleanse starting as soon as I return from Lund, will make a more detailed posting on that later.
4. I need to continue focusing on the positives in my life and stop dwelling on the negatives. I've made vast improvements in this area too but I still have a long way to go. I need to keep working on allowing myself to be happy. I have every right to be. Sure I have my issues but I'm not a bad person and I deserve happiness as much as anyone else does. I need to stop letting myself get bogged down in sadness so often and I have to allow myself to have fun and enjoy my time here on earth. I get happy over the smallest things...rain on the trees, ducks, a hug, laughter, small children being adorable, old couples holding hands, sunny days at the park, and a million other things that a lot of people don't think twice about. Basically, I'm giving myself permission to stop and smell the roses more. Just because I allow myself to be happy doesn't mean some catastrophe is going to come along and cause me to be miserable again. I have nothing I need to be punished for and I'm not doomed to a life of sadness unless I CHOOSE that, and I don't.
5. On a very similar note, I need to work on loving myself. That sounds so childish, but it's really amazing how much abuse and neglect can stunt a person's emotional growth. I really am learning all these things for the first time, and I'm so late in the game that it's really difficult. But I have a chance, and no matter how hard it is, I'm very very lucky and thankful that I came out of the shadows in my mind and past when i did. I think i have a chance of saving myself and being somewhat "normal" by society's standards. Yeah, I'm extremely fucked up and I have a LOT to learn about myself and my feelings, but I can make it. I'm really not the horrible person I was always told I was, and I'm not worthless. Logically I know that, but emotionally it's taking some time. I think I'm making real progress though, and I need to allow myself to make mistakes without feeling like I've failed at life. Everyone messes up and I can too.
6. Allow my friends to care about me. I don't need to buy them gifts or do things for them all the time in order to secure their affection. People can and do love me for who I am, as weird as that seems to me. I have to stop thinking about people in such rigid absolutes. Yes, DD broke up with me but that doesn't mean she doesn't love me anymore. It's obvious she still does, just not in that way. And that's okay. Other people like me too, whether or not I buy them things or do them favors. I like doing that stuff so I still will, but I need to quit feeling obligated to. I need to allow myself to receive affection without feeling guilty for it. I do deserve it.
7. Pick my battles and prioritize better. Yes, staying here as long as I can is important and I should be all about that, but I don't need to fight with friends or family over stupid stuff that really means nothing in the long run.
I have some more but can't really think enough to articulate them at the moment, and this thing is long enough already. :P