Good things happening to me scare me
May. 30th, 2008 01:36 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mutedtempestOkay, so, good news first. I messed around with my schedule for summer classes at uni, and after switching from one class to one that begins earlier, I am now eligible to receive my loan funds on June 6th, the day the class begins. This means that I can go to Pride in Albuquerque, which is awesome. It also means that things are going really well for me right now. In fact, things are going so well for me that I'm terrified.
My entire life, there has been balance. Whenever something good happens to me, something bad will happen to set it right. Usually this doesn't occur in the other direction. Whenever my life is going well and I'm on the verge of being happy, something will happen to mess it up. It's as if Fate is telling me not to get too confident. So, I've learned that happiness does not last. I fear feeling happy, because I know it will end soon.
For as much of an asshole as he is, Morph has always told me that I've gone through so much shit in my life that I deserve to have good things happen to me, and one day I'll get them. I don't know about that. I want to believe it, but I feel like if I start to, something will happen to prove me wrong and I'll be miserable again.
I'm sure my depression has a lot to do with it, and so does my anxiety. The way I grew up has to be contributing as well. I expect things to go wrong, because that way it hurts less when the rug gets pulled out from under me and I fall.
I don't want to live my life terrified of when the other shoe is going to drop. I should be happy. I got into uni and now I have the money to go to Pride. I can take classes and write, and get paid for doing both. And in late August I'll get another check for school, as well as one in January. That will allow me to have some extra funding for living overseas on my work visa. I don't know why I'm so terrified, there's no real reason that everything would come crashing down on top of me. But I'm so incredibly terrified that it's going to. Or that I'm gonna fuck up somehow and DD is gonna leave and I'll be heartbroken, and that there will be no real point in going to Sweden. Or that I'll do something incredibly stupid and lose all that money and not be able to go to Scotland after all.
Why the hell do I constantly sabotage myself by thinking this way? I really wish I could quit it, but I don't seem to be able to. I'm always expecting my world to implode on me. I can't make myself believe that it won't. God, i hate it. So so much. But that's how it's always, always been. I don't understand why it would be any different now.
My entire life, there has been balance. Whenever something good happens to me, something bad will happen to set it right. Usually this doesn't occur in the other direction. Whenever my life is going well and I'm on the verge of being happy, something will happen to mess it up. It's as if Fate is telling me not to get too confident. So, I've learned that happiness does not last. I fear feeling happy, because I know it will end soon.
For as much of an asshole as he is, Morph has always told me that I've gone through so much shit in my life that I deserve to have good things happen to me, and one day I'll get them. I don't know about that. I want to believe it, but I feel like if I start to, something will happen to prove me wrong and I'll be miserable again.
I'm sure my depression has a lot to do with it, and so does my anxiety. The way I grew up has to be contributing as well. I expect things to go wrong, because that way it hurts less when the rug gets pulled out from under me and I fall.
I don't want to live my life terrified of when the other shoe is going to drop. I should be happy. I got into uni and now I have the money to go to Pride. I can take classes and write, and get paid for doing both. And in late August I'll get another check for school, as well as one in January. That will allow me to have some extra funding for living overseas on my work visa. I don't know why I'm so terrified, there's no real reason that everything would come crashing down on top of me. But I'm so incredibly terrified that it's going to. Or that I'm gonna fuck up somehow and DD is gonna leave and I'll be heartbroken, and that there will be no real point in going to Sweden. Or that I'll do something incredibly stupid and lose all that money and not be able to go to Scotland after all.
Why the hell do I constantly sabotage myself by thinking this way? I really wish I could quit it, but I don't seem to be able to. I'm always expecting my world to implode on me. I can't make myself believe that it won't. God, i hate it. So so much. But that's how it's always, always been. I don't understand why it would be any different now.
