Gah

I hate being paranoid. I didn't get a lot of sleep last night and that usually makes it worse but still. This is nuts.

I failed in Ireland. I suck. I wasn't able to find a job and had to come home early. My grandpa got sick but the real reason I left was because I just couldn't afford it and it makes me feel worthless. Now I'm back in a town I hate with a family who hates me and treats me like crap most of the time. I'm behind in school and fear that I won't be able to graduate, but have I done anything to rectify this? Of course not. I'm worried I won't be admitted to school in Sweden. Why would they want me? My grades are bad and I'm really not that intelligent.

I'm in love but I'm positive I'm going to lose her. I'm too far away and she doesn't like that. She doesn't want to be with someone across the world from her and who would? There's no reason for her to be with me anyway, I'm nothing and she deserves so much better than me. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and it's driving me fucking insane. I don't know what I'm going to do when she leaves but I'm certain she's going to and soon. I have nothing to offer her so there's no reason for her to stick around.

I can't find a damn job. I keep getting leads and then something ends up preventing me from getting hired. I don't get why, I'm willing to work and I almost have a degree yet no one will fucking hire me and i don't know what to do. Graduate school, yes, but I have to be admitted first and for some reason I'm positive that won't happen, at least not for the fall. I don;t fucking know what to do.