this will be random

since I’m really disorganized in my head right now. I’m very happy to be going, don’t get me wrong, but I was so sure it wasn’t going to happen that I was sort of knocked on my ass when things finally came together.Now I feel like I’m scrabbling to get everything together at the last minute, although in reality I have very little left that I need to do before I go.

I finally told my family that I’m going. Most of them took it very well, but my Nans (my mother’s mother) is having a hard time with it. I made her cry, and I feel horrible for that. When I’m in the States I live in the upper apartment of my great grandmother’s duplex, since it’d be sitting empty otherwise. I also try to keep an eye on her, but it’s difficult because even at 99 she’s stubborn as a mule and refuses to let me help her with anything. Still, I try to check on her a few times a day and help with whatever she’ll let me do, and I know it’s going to be really rough on my Nans to know that she’s here mostly alone. (My…I guess he’d be a second cousin? something of that sort anyway) lives in the basement apartment, but he’s a bit…different, and while a nice guy I’m not sure he’d know what to do if something should happen to her. So I feel really bad for taking that peace of mind away, but as my Nans said, I can’t put my life on hold for that. I suppose that’s true, but I still feel guilty.

I went to the library and got all the paperwork I should need printed off, including my plane ticket. I have that all packed in my file folder, and I have a compression bag of clothes already packed. I need to try to roll it down a bit more, but aside from doing laundry before I go and packing a few little things from that, I’m ready clothes-wise. I also packed up most of my diabetic supplies, and went today to get the remaining refills on my insulin to take with me. Really, the only things I have left to pack are the insulin itself and my carry on bag with laptop, phone and some little things.

I also need to clean the apartment, mainly the food. I’ve been shopping light for awhile so as not to have much to get rid of, and my family will be taking some of the frozen and dry things. Then I’ll have to vacuum, scrub everything down, dust and mop the kitchen floor. I’ll be leaving the apartment pretty much intact since it’ll be empty anyway, but I’d like to get it as clean as I possibly can.

See? I knew this post would be rambly. I think the stress of having an actual departure date and knowing that this is really happening are putting me a little on edge. I’m sure things will be just fine, but the anticipation/anxiety from these final days in America is freaking me out a little anyway.

Time for a proper update

I know it's been forever, aside from the copypasted posts from my other blogs. I honestly have no idea why I have so many. I guess that like everything else I have a terrible time making decisions, and I sort of like being able to post certain things in certain places. I've missed IJ though, and I feel comfortable here, so I'd like to get back into at least a semi-regular updating pattern.

A lot has been happening recently, most of which revolves around my application and acceptance to Uppsala University, and the approval of my residence permit. In less than 5 days I'll be leaving Moline, hopefully for good, but for at least two years while I study for a master's degree. To say I'm happy would be the understatement of the century. I still can't believe I've gotten so lucky, and I keep waiting to wake up from the dream and realize it's not real. But that hasn't happened yet, so I'm doing my best to accept that maybe I do deserve something that I've really wanted. I'm going to try to make the best of it and not take any of it for granted.

To be perfectly honest I never believed it would happen. I'd sent applications to schools in Norway and The Netherlands too, since I was so positive Uppsala wouldn't accept me. Even if they did, with the new tuition fees for non-EU students I thought there'd be no way I could ever afford it, even with student loans. To my complete and utter shock I was not only accepted but approved for some extra student loan funds which will be plenty to live comfortably on.

I thought the lucky streak would end and that my student residence permit would be denied, since I applied for one before and wasn't accepted. Those courses were all online, though, and the American student loan system changed while I was there the first time. I was still super anxious waiting to hear something for three months, though, and expected them to say no. For some reason, they didn't, and last week I got an email saying that I was approved.

I keep waiting for it to sink in. I've been buying things and making plans, but it still doesn't feel real to me. I just...how do I deserve this? Sweden has always felt like home to me. I'm still avoidant and will always have issues, but I'm just not as anxious so often when I'm in Sweden. And I have friends there, real ones, three of whom are only a short bus ride away from Uppsala and the others an overnight ride.

I feel like this is a second chance for me. I think, just maybe, I can at least make an attempt to become the person I want to be. I'll be able to apply for a personnummer, and will have better health care than I've ever had in America. That alone makes me feel like I've won the lottery. I'll also be at a large university, and will try my hardest to socialize as much as I can. I'm going to join a choir, something I haven't been part of for years now and miss terribly.

In short, the universe is really being nice to me right now, and I'm just sort of floating around in a daze. I really cannot wait.