mutedtempest (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
mutedtempest) wrote2008-08-30 02:15 pm
mutedtempest) wrote2008-08-30 02:15 pm
Hurty things
I just went downstairs because I heard the doorbell ring. It was the postlady, delivering my shiny new laptop (YAY!) and also the 30GB Zune that I found for $40 on eBay. Go me, and yay to being able to buy nice things for once in my life. I kinda like it. I like my new toys a lot.
As I was heading back up the stairs with my packages, my great-grandma came out of her apartment to say hi to me. I didn't say hi when I got back yesterday since I was tired and wasn't feeling too well, so I stopped to talk to her for a few minutes. Sometime during the course of the conversation, I told her that I'm not doing anything aside from schoolwork and cleaning my apartment today, but that I'm planning to go walk a couple miles around the park in a little while.
Her response to this was, "You'd be so much prettier if you weren't so heavy."
I just kinda laughed it off, but I've been crying since I came back upstairs. i know she didn't say it to be mean, and she apologized after, but still. Does she honestly think I don't KNOW that??!
I HATE being fat. I absolutely fucking hate it. I hate the fact that if I exercise even a tiny bit more than usual, I go low, and have to eat sugars and starches to bring my sugar back up, which only add to the weight gain. I fucking despise the fact that I have to eat 7 times a day, more when I'm low. I have to eat MORE before I exercise. It seems to defy logic, but that's what it's like in a diabetic's world. When we exercise, we have to eat more food beforehand in order to try and stave off a low.
It also depends on the activity. If I walk, I generally don't go low, which is why I do that so often. But if I run, I go low at about a mile. It never fails, even if I eat beforehand. It's all a big guessing game. Bike riding is unpredictable. Swimming is also unpredictable. And what I love SO MUCH about this stupid fucking disease is that even if I test my blood sugar before I do anything, and eat to cover it, I can STILL go low in the middle of it. I fucking hate it.
It's not as if I'm not TRYING to lose weight. I walk pretty much every single day in some form or another, even if it's just to the grocery store. I did have to stop walking for almost 3 months when my feet got so swollen, and I did gain weight during that time simply because I couldn't be on my feet for any real length of time. I'm working on losing that, but I can't do it overnight.
I admit that I like food, but even so, I do a hell of a lot better than most people and I rarely eat stuff that's really bad for me. Generally, I eat a lot of turkey and lettuce sandwiches, cucumbers, tomatoes, and Subway (usually a grilled chicken or turkey with no cheese and a ton of spinach and green peppers). I like salads and I eat those a lot, with no dressing. When I eat meat it's usually fish or chicken and I grill it on my little Foreman grill. I like stir-fry. I love grapefruit and apples and grapes.
Granted, I eat hamburgers sometimes. Not often, and they're not a staple of my diet, but I do eat them. I went through a bacon phase. My great-grandma, the same one who said I'm fat, is constantly offering my cheesecake and cookies and lots of other sweets, and I usually eat something she offers or she guilt trips me nonstop. Like, even today she offered me cherry cheesecake, right before she said I'm fat. Gah. But I do those things in moderation.
I'm not trying to give excuses for being fat. Yes, I could eat better than I do. I could exercise more. But I think that to a large extent, I do the best I can and the reasons I'm so heavy are really beyond my control.
My insulin isn't working as it should. After having this for 23 years, I'm becoming insulin resistant, which means that I'm gaining and retaining more weight than I should be. I've started on a medication called Metformin which is supposed to help, but I've only been on it a week and haven't noticed anything yet.
I have an underactive thyroid. i was told this by my pediatrician when I was 15, and since then, I've been on meds for it a few times. Not recently, and I think that might be contributing. I need to get the blood test done, and I'm trying to schedule an appointment. I think if I go on meds for that again it'll also help.
It just really doesn't do wonders for my self-esteem when people say things like that to me. It's not as if I WANT to look this way. I fucking hate it and I'm trying. I can't drop 80 pounds overnight no matter how much I wish I could. I've always been a little chubby, and that's fine with me. I just don't want to be so fucking obese anymore and I hate being reminded of it.
As I was heading back up the stairs with my packages, my great-grandma came out of her apartment to say hi to me. I didn't say hi when I got back yesterday since I was tired and wasn't feeling too well, so I stopped to talk to her for a few minutes. Sometime during the course of the conversation, I told her that I'm not doing anything aside from schoolwork and cleaning my apartment today, but that I'm planning to go walk a couple miles around the park in a little while.
Her response to this was, "You'd be so much prettier if you weren't so heavy."
I just kinda laughed it off, but I've been crying since I came back upstairs. i know she didn't say it to be mean, and she apologized after, but still. Does she honestly think I don't KNOW that??!
I HATE being fat. I absolutely fucking hate it. I hate the fact that if I exercise even a tiny bit more than usual, I go low, and have to eat sugars and starches to bring my sugar back up, which only add to the weight gain. I fucking despise the fact that I have to eat 7 times a day, more when I'm low. I have to eat MORE before I exercise. It seems to defy logic, but that's what it's like in a diabetic's world. When we exercise, we have to eat more food beforehand in order to try and stave off a low.
It also depends on the activity. If I walk, I generally don't go low, which is why I do that so often. But if I run, I go low at about a mile. It never fails, even if I eat beforehand. It's all a big guessing game. Bike riding is unpredictable. Swimming is also unpredictable. And what I love SO MUCH about this stupid fucking disease is that even if I test my blood sugar before I do anything, and eat to cover it, I can STILL go low in the middle of it. I fucking hate it.
It's not as if I'm not TRYING to lose weight. I walk pretty much every single day in some form or another, even if it's just to the grocery store. I did have to stop walking for almost 3 months when my feet got so swollen, and I did gain weight during that time simply because I couldn't be on my feet for any real length of time. I'm working on losing that, but I can't do it overnight.
I admit that I like food, but even so, I do a hell of a lot better than most people and I rarely eat stuff that's really bad for me. Generally, I eat a lot of turkey and lettuce sandwiches, cucumbers, tomatoes, and Subway (usually a grilled chicken or turkey with no cheese and a ton of spinach and green peppers). I like salads and I eat those a lot, with no dressing. When I eat meat it's usually fish or chicken and I grill it on my little Foreman grill. I like stir-fry. I love grapefruit and apples and grapes.
Granted, I eat hamburgers sometimes. Not often, and they're not a staple of my diet, but I do eat them. I went through a bacon phase. My great-grandma, the same one who said I'm fat, is constantly offering my cheesecake and cookies and lots of other sweets, and I usually eat something she offers or she guilt trips me nonstop. Like, even today she offered me cherry cheesecake, right before she said I'm fat. Gah. But I do those things in moderation.
I'm not trying to give excuses for being fat. Yes, I could eat better than I do. I could exercise more. But I think that to a large extent, I do the best I can and the reasons I'm so heavy are really beyond my control.
My insulin isn't working as it should. After having this for 23 years, I'm becoming insulin resistant, which means that I'm gaining and retaining more weight than I should be. I've started on a medication called Metformin which is supposed to help, but I've only been on it a week and haven't noticed anything yet.
I have an underactive thyroid. i was told this by my pediatrician when I was 15, and since then, I've been on meds for it a few times. Not recently, and I think that might be contributing. I need to get the blood test done, and I'm trying to schedule an appointment. I think if I go on meds for that again it'll also help.
It just really doesn't do wonders for my self-esteem when people say things like that to me. It's not as if I WANT to look this way. I fucking hate it and I'm trying. I can't drop 80 pounds overnight no matter how much I wish I could. I've always been a little chubby, and that's fine with me. I just don't want to be so fucking obese anymore and I hate being reminded of it.
no subject
no subject
We both just need to get better.