mutedtempest (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
mutedtempest) wrote2008-05-10 05:33 am
mutedtempest) wrote2008-05-10 05:33 am
I am hugless.
My best friend Morph was supposed to come see me last night. We'd been planning this for a couple weeks now, and he had the weekend off of work so he could make the drive up. I had told him that I'd split the cost of the hotel with him (he could have stayed here, but my great-granny doesn't allow me to have anyone upstairs).
I knew he'd probably want to sleep with me at some point. He'd mentioned it a couple of weeks ago. It wasn't really a big deal to me. he and I had sex multiple times a day for three years, so I figured it was just what I had to do to get him to spend any time with me. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that just because I'm not vehemently opposed to something doesn't mean I should have to do it if I have no desire to. I wanted him to come up here so i could spend time with my friend. We haven't seen each other in a year. I wanted to hang out with him and I wanted to talk to him and hug him. But I didn't want to fuck him. And I decided I'd tell him that.
When I called him and told him, he was nice enough. I told him he didn't have to waste a trip up here if he didn't want to, because he lives 3 hours away. But he said he would. Not half an hour later, he called and said he was too tired, had hit the wall and didn't think he should drive up. It was painfully obvious that he was lying, he's horrible at it. He made his voice sound so overly sleepy it was ridiculous. it was only 7pm.
Now, if he'd really been tired, I wouldn't be sad. And he might have been, a little. But I think that if I hadn't called him and told him I just wanted to hang out, not have sex, we'd be sleeping in the hotel right now. And I hate myself because so what if I'd fucked him? I've done it hundreds of times, it wouldn't have killed me. It's not like he's bad at it or anything. So couldn't I have just sucked it up and fucked him? Who would that have really hurt?
Maybe it's stupid of me to ever think that someone would want to spend time with me just to be around me. People always seem to want something from me, and it's never just my company. I wish it was. But it's not, and now I feel guilty for telling him I didn't have the desire to fuck him. Because really, desire doesn't matter much. Physically it doesn't need to be there for me to fuck him. i know he'd never force me. And I feel really stupid because I could have just done it and I'd have gotten my hug and I'd have gotten to see my friend whom i miss very much. And he was nice about it, I give him that much. I just really hate myself right now, and I hate myself for feeling that way because in my heart of hearts I know it's HIM being the asshole. But I still feel like I'm the one who did something wrong.
All I wanted was a hug.
I knew he'd probably want to sleep with me at some point. He'd mentioned it a couple of weeks ago. It wasn't really a big deal to me. he and I had sex multiple times a day for three years, so I figured it was just what I had to do to get him to spend any time with me. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that just because I'm not vehemently opposed to something doesn't mean I should have to do it if I have no desire to. I wanted him to come up here so i could spend time with my friend. We haven't seen each other in a year. I wanted to hang out with him and I wanted to talk to him and hug him. But I didn't want to fuck him. And I decided I'd tell him that.
When I called him and told him, he was nice enough. I told him he didn't have to waste a trip up here if he didn't want to, because he lives 3 hours away. But he said he would. Not half an hour later, he called and said he was too tired, had hit the wall and didn't think he should drive up. It was painfully obvious that he was lying, he's horrible at it. He made his voice sound so overly sleepy it was ridiculous. it was only 7pm.
Now, if he'd really been tired, I wouldn't be sad. And he might have been, a little. But I think that if I hadn't called him and told him I just wanted to hang out, not have sex, we'd be sleeping in the hotel right now. And I hate myself because so what if I'd fucked him? I've done it hundreds of times, it wouldn't have killed me. It's not like he's bad at it or anything. So couldn't I have just sucked it up and fucked him? Who would that have really hurt?
Maybe it's stupid of me to ever think that someone would want to spend time with me just to be around me. People always seem to want something from me, and it's never just my company. I wish it was. But it's not, and now I feel guilty for telling him I didn't have the desire to fuck him. Because really, desire doesn't matter much. Physically it doesn't need to be there for me to fuck him. i know he'd never force me. And I feel really stupid because I could have just done it and I'd have gotten my hug and I'd have gotten to see my friend whom i miss very much. And he was nice about it, I give him that much. I just really hate myself right now, and I hate myself for feeling that way because in my heart of hearts I know it's HIM being the asshole. But I still feel like I'm the one who did something wrong.
All I wanted was a hug.
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