I'm really fat.
And I've decided that I have to stop caring about it so much.
I went to the store so I could buy some more Slim Fast. And while I was there, I got a really sudden bad migraine. That means a seizure is coming, so I tried to find a place to sit down until it was over. I ended up sitting in the pharmacy waiting area. lol. They have really comfy chairs.
Today i started on a two day juice cleanse, because I wanted to lose as much weight as I could before I go to Scotland/Sweden. The cleanse is mixing a concentrate with water and sipping that and only that for two days. After that, I was going to live on Slim Fast.
Why? Well, today I was trying to clean out my closet because there's so much shit in there that I don't wear. I realized that almost none of my size large clothing fits me anymore, I need an extra large. And it made me a little crazy to realize that.
I started the juice fast immediately. It would have been fine if I weren't a diabetic. I've been having hypoglycemic seizures all day long. And after what happened at the store, I've been doing a lot of thinking.
Yeah, I'm fat. I'm 4'10" and probably somewhere between 185 and 200 (it fluctuates rapidly so i can't say for certain, I don't have a scale). In five months I've gained over 50 pounds, because my body is becoming resistant to the insulin I take. For the past few months I've been having my insulin dosages adjusted to try and find a better balance, but that's the reason I've gained so much. It's also made my feet swell until they were both the size of basketballs. they're better now, since the dosage was changed, but they still swell a lot.
My doctors think it's either my liver or my kidneys, the beginning of the complications I'll have. But it can be corrected once the right dosage and dosing schedule is found. i can also take pills to assist my body in breaking down the insulin like it should. I've been on those for about two weeks now and I feel a little better than I did.
but the weight isn't coming off very fast. I do feel better and I've probably lost a pound or so, but it's slow going and I hate it. Realizing that I need to buy things bigger than large really fucked with my head, and I'm not quite sure why. So I wear things that are a little bigger until my body figures things out. Big fucking deal, right?
I don't know why I was trying to hurt myself so much. Juice fasts are really dangerous and I can't believe I spent $30 on the damn concentrate. Because I'll still be heavy even if I lose 20 pounds before Sweden. And if people are so superficial as to not like me just because I'm heavy, why the hell would I want to be friends with them anyway?
I know it's not going to be easy to accept this. I'm going to hate being fat. I already do and I don't see that stopping. But I don't want it to control every aspect of my self esteem. it'll get better, I'll lose weight. Hell, Edinburgh is a very walkable city and the weather in the winter is awesome for walking, so I'll do that a lot. I'll buy a bike. Organic foods are much cheaper there than they are here, so it'll be much easier to eat better. I'm gonna keep taking my meds and I'll drop the majority of this excess weight.
I don't have the genetics or the body structure to be really thin. Even at my height, if I go much below 120 pounds I look like I'm starving. I'm built like my dad, and he's a big guy. He's not fat, but he's huge because he's so muscular. My mom was chubby all my life, even during chemo and radiation. She didn't get really thin until right before she died. So, yeah. I'm never gonna be tiny, and no matter much I lose, I'll still be ugly. So it doesn't matter. I'm not gonna hurt myself just because I'm a little heavier than I'd like to be. If people don't like it, they can go to hell and die.
I've been having blood sugar issues all day, and I just ordered a pizza. Might not help matters with the weight but at least this way I won't have a seizure and die in my sleep tonight. I really think that's the more important thing.
I went to the store so I could buy some more Slim Fast. And while I was there, I got a really sudden bad migraine. That means a seizure is coming, so I tried to find a place to sit down until it was over. I ended up sitting in the pharmacy waiting area. lol. They have really comfy chairs.
Today i started on a two day juice cleanse, because I wanted to lose as much weight as I could before I go to Scotland/Sweden. The cleanse is mixing a concentrate with water and sipping that and only that for two days. After that, I was going to live on Slim Fast.
Why? Well, today I was trying to clean out my closet because there's so much shit in there that I don't wear. I realized that almost none of my size large clothing fits me anymore, I need an extra large. And it made me a little crazy to realize that.
I started the juice fast immediately. It would have been fine if I weren't a diabetic. I've been having hypoglycemic seizures all day long. And after what happened at the store, I've been doing a lot of thinking.
Yeah, I'm fat. I'm 4'10" and probably somewhere between 185 and 200 (it fluctuates rapidly so i can't say for certain, I don't have a scale). In five months I've gained over 50 pounds, because my body is becoming resistant to the insulin I take. For the past few months I've been having my insulin dosages adjusted to try and find a better balance, but that's the reason I've gained so much. It's also made my feet swell until they were both the size of basketballs. they're better now, since the dosage was changed, but they still swell a lot.
My doctors think it's either my liver or my kidneys, the beginning of the complications I'll have. But it can be corrected once the right dosage and dosing schedule is found. i can also take pills to assist my body in breaking down the insulin like it should. I've been on those for about two weeks now and I feel a little better than I did.
but the weight isn't coming off very fast. I do feel better and I've probably lost a pound or so, but it's slow going and I hate it. Realizing that I need to buy things bigger than large really fucked with my head, and I'm not quite sure why. So I wear things that are a little bigger until my body figures things out. Big fucking deal, right?
I don't know why I was trying to hurt myself so much. Juice fasts are really dangerous and I can't believe I spent $30 on the damn concentrate. Because I'll still be heavy even if I lose 20 pounds before Sweden. And if people are so superficial as to not like me just because I'm heavy, why the hell would I want to be friends with them anyway?
I know it's not going to be easy to accept this. I'm going to hate being fat. I already do and I don't see that stopping. But I don't want it to control every aspect of my self esteem. it'll get better, I'll lose weight. Hell, Edinburgh is a very walkable city and the weather in the winter is awesome for walking, so I'll do that a lot. I'll buy a bike. Organic foods are much cheaper there than they are here, so it'll be much easier to eat better. I'm gonna keep taking my meds and I'll drop the majority of this excess weight.
I don't have the genetics or the body structure to be really thin. Even at my height, if I go much below 120 pounds I look like I'm starving. I'm built like my dad, and he's a big guy. He's not fat, but he's huge because he's so muscular. My mom was chubby all my life, even during chemo and radiation. She didn't get really thin until right before she died. So, yeah. I'm never gonna be tiny, and no matter much I lose, I'll still be ugly. So it doesn't matter. I'm not gonna hurt myself just because I'm a little heavier than I'd like to be. If people don't like it, they can go to hell and die.
I've been having blood sugar issues all day, and I just ordered a pizza. Might not help matters with the weight but at least this way I won't have a seizure and die in my sleep tonight. I really think that's the more important thing.