Sleeps!

Oct. 2nd, 2010 07:11 pm
mutedtempest: (Default)
I has them. Over 14 hours of them, for some unexplained reason. I suppose when one has no job ore other responsibilities in life, one can sleep as much as they damn well please. But I was quite happy with this development anyway.

Normally, I don't stay up too late. I've always been rather nocturnal, and have stayed up most of the night as long as I can remember. Even in Sweden it wasn't unusual for me to be awake at 4am and asleep at noon the following day. I had nothing to get up for, so why not?

Since being back in the States, though, I've been going to bed pretty early. For me anyway. My 3-week temp job that started at 6:30am may have had a lot to do with it, but I think the fact that I talk to two beautiful Swedes all the damn time and they're 7 hours ahead of me is a bigger part. Anyway, I've been very good lately and haven't slept past noon in months, which is kind of a huge thing for me since I'm a total bum.

I don't know what happened today. I went to bed around midnight after reading a few chapters in an awesome library book, and slept fairly well. A few nightmares but nothing serious. I woke up and looked at my clock at about 10am, figured I had nothing pressing to get up for, and decided to snooze for a bit more.

The next time I awoke, it was 3:13pm. That's right folks, I slept all freaking day, and now feel like the unemployed, lazy vagrant my family so steadfastly insists on reminding me I am. But damn it all, it feels really freaking nice. The sleep, not the whole being unemployed thing, although that's not even bad since I'm still getting paychecks. That'll stop soon and I'll feel horrible about myself again, but for right now? Fuck it all.

I'm gonna order me a pizza and watch a movie.

Laziness ahoy! Potential employers...well, if you're reading this for whatever reason, I don't even know. Hell, I'm only applying to places like KFC anyway so I don't think this'll really hurt my chances.
mutedtempest: (bob ross awesomeness)
Remember how when you were a kid, and being an adult seemed completely awesome? You thought you'd have the freedom to stay up until 2am ordering pizza for delivery and watching cartoons on the couch in your undies. You might have considered answering the door in your underwears, but you could also have thrown on the amazing fluffy 80282721271 thread count bathrobe of softness in dark green with gold trim that you thought all adults owned. (Yes, I had extremely strange ideals for my life even then).

Anyway, yeah, that didn't really pan out the way I'd been expecting it to. Mostly because I'm way too socially awkward to be comfortable dealing with delivery people at any time of day or night. Also, the pizzerias in this town stop delivering at 11pm, so the whole fantasy went kaput. Also, you need money to order pizza, and money is something that I lack due to a combination of a worthless degree, temp jobs that last 3 weeks at most and the lack of any real ambition to find another job. I basically feel like nirvana is sitting around (again in my underwears) at my computer all day, sometimes heating up food and drinking diet energy drinks all day. And walking a mile a day so as not to feel completely slothlike, which really doesn't work all that well, but at least it's something.

In short, I am extremely immature. I am 28 years old, and my life is basically that of a child, aside from the fact that I live alone and have a college degree...which is useless, but dammit, it's an accomplishment. Anyway, because of this, very small adult tasks make me feel as if I've managed to climb Mt. Everest or something. Of course the small things I end up doing are really tiny and regular people with jobs and enriching lives wouldn't give a second through to, but for me, they're epic achievements.

Take today, for example. I've been needing to go to the public library for the past several days in order to print out some forms for a student loan deferment. This has terrified me to such an extreme that I've been pretty much unable to leave the house at all. I do have social anxiety so I know I shouldn't feel too bad about this, but I do. It feels like failing when it happens constantly.

So, to make myself feel a bit better and to reassure myself that I'm an adult capable of performing adult tasks, I went to the Walgreen's across the street from my house and bought some groceries and cleaning supplies. On the way out, I saw that there was a $5 sale on 12 packs of Cottonelle toilet paper. Now, as recently stated, I'm poor. Like, I'd be destitute if I wasn't living in the upper half of my granny's duplex, so for me $5 is a substantial amount. But, when I thought about it, I realized that toilet paper is a very wise purchase since I'll end up using it anyway, and $5 for a 12 pack is pretty damn cheap, especially for a name brand. So, I bought a pack, along with a book of stamps, and felt like a responsible adult.

I'm now riding on the high of that accomplishment, and will be for the rest of the day. And that makes me somewhat sad, because I mean...if finding toilet paper on sale is a big event in someone's life, that's just depressing. Then again, my adulthood isn't living up to my expectations anyway, hence the desire to move to New York. Not that life is going to be automatically more awesome there, but I'm fairly certain I can purchase brand-name TP cheaply.
mutedtempest: (Default)
So, I was laid off from the temp job on the Army base. Which is fine, I knew it was a temp job going in, but I'm kinda peeved that it didn't last much longer than 3 weeks because I've found that while I'm definitely not too concerned about money, I do have rather expensive tastes for a poor person.

Well, not really. For most people, anyway. But it's like...I've lived on the street, and I get pissy because I can't afford ingredients to make myself this really awesome Greek pasta thingy in my electric skillet. Haha, I guess that's not exactly the high life, but still. All I actually need to pay for is my rent, which is a steal since my great-granny's my landlord, and my internet/electricity/food. So it's not as if I need a huge sum of money coming in every month, but I'd really like one anyway.

I've made the decision to apply for a master's degree program in New York City at their City College. It's a Working Adults degree in the Study of the Americas, which is basically what I did in undergrad. Very liberal arts based, but it's something. To be completely honest, I feel suffocated by my hometown and I want to live in New York, and the degree feels like the most sensible/financially feasible way to do that. I still intend to go to school in Sweden, but I feel like staying here until next September will kill me.

Obviously it won't. At least, I hope not. But with my luck I'd probably get hit by a bus on the way to work my crappy job (should it ever get more project stuff so it can hire me back). I just feel like, since coming back here, all the "adults" I encounter aren't all that awesome, and it makes me really sad. A lot of the people I worked with for these few short weeks were super depressing. That's nothing against them, since I know they're doing the best they can. But my God, that isn't any kind of life I want. Getting stuck here would kill me, so if I can get into school in an awesome city for 6 months, that'd rule.

I wish I was funny enough to blog for a living, really. Sadly, all I seem to do in my blogs is whine a lot, I'm rarely if ever amusing. Which I feel is a huge injustice to my character. I must seem like a really mopey depressed person, but I'm really not. I get that way sometimes, as everyone does, but for the most part, life amuses the shit out of me and I can always find things to laugh at. I think I need to work on projecting positivity into my life, rather than just laughing to myself so much. What's happiness if you can't share it? Oh hell, there I go attempting to be profound. Such literary egotism from someone whose typing is worse than her 11 year old cousin's.

Anyway, I'm really gonna try to start acting happier. Hopefully it'll bleed over into feeling happier.

I'm also considering a travel blog. I figure I've been to/lived in several places around the world, and I have some awesome stories that I don't want to get lost in all my other whiny woe is me blog posts. Both have their purpose but I feel a travel blog would be nice. Especially when I get to NYC.

I miss my Swedes and Sweden itself terribly and can't wait to go back!

Ow

Sep. 14th, 2010 09:48 am
mutedtempest: (Default)
work and tooth stupidity )
mutedtempest: (Default)
Had a meeting with my new caseworker today. Had absolutely no idea what to expect going in, and apparently she was a bit confused as well. She had my file, and it shows that I was denied a student permit several times. She then said that since it's taken the office in Malmö so long to decide my most recent application, I haver the right to appeal.

When I applied, it was for a three month extension of stay. This was because I met so many awesome people, and wanted to stay a bit longer. I never intended to stay permanently. I'd been denied a student permit, and while I still think that denial is bullshit, it's over and done and I accept and respect their decision.

New caseworker lady seemed to think that I was trying to deceive the government, though. She read me the decision (was all in Swedish and pretty long, so I'm grateful for that) and apparently the Malmö office was mad that I hadn't shown them a return flight ticket. They also thought that since I'd been denied a student permit, I was trying to find any way to stay here permanently. Not the case, but I can see how they'd think that.

What gets me about that though, is that tickets from here to the States cost almost a thousand US dollars. Why the hell would I have bought one before I applied for the extension? If it had been approved, obviously I couldn't have flown home. And if I didn't know the date I'd be leaving, how could I be expected to book a flight anyway? It'd cost either a fortune to buy a rebookable ticket or a fortune to change the date.

Bah. Anyway. New casewoker lady had the decision, but I never got a copy of it. It was never sent to me. This seemed to surprise my caseworker, but it...kinda seems to be the way things work with these people lol. Apparently they didn't make a decision until May 28th anyway lol. Fucking slackers. But since it took them so long, caseworker says I have the right to appeal. I have three weeks to decide, and then if I do appeal, she says it'll take either several or seven months for the next decision. I'm assuming she said several since seven seems a bit excessive lol. But either way, I guess.

She says she thinks I should go home, that I can come back in three months. And that I knew the rules before coming, yada yada. This was said in a tone as if I'd had it planned all along and did this on purpose to mislead them. Uh, no. Yes, I knew the rules, and I followed them...they didn't give me a student permit. I came for a 3 month stay, and applied for an extension because I met friends and wanted to stay longer. I wasn't trying to deceive anyone, and it was never my intention to stay permanently. They think it was, but I guess that's on them since there's really nothing I can do to DISPROVE it. Then again, they can't really prove it, either.

Caseworker highly recommended going home. I can see that; they're not gonna approve me, they think I'm trying to stay for good. But I feel I'm within my rights to be here as long as it's legal, even if I'm just waiting for them to deny me.

So, I don't know. I think I'm going to appeal and hopefully get to stay long enough for my next check to come.
mutedtempest: (homehug)
I finally heard from Migrationsverket today. They want me to go to a meeting in Boden on Friday at 2pm. I called to speak to the lady that sent me the letter, since it had DD's name on it too. She assured me that it's fine and she only needs me to be there, though. She just did that because I used DD as my "main contact" while I'm here.

I'm scared to death. I know I shouldn't be...even if they send me home, it's not like I can never come back. Still, I'm terrified. I don't know what they could possibly want to ask me.

Then again...if they were gonna deny me, they'd just go ahead and deny me, right? I mean, my application was only until April 19th., They obviously know that I'm here past the date I applied for, so I'd think that if they were upset they'd simply tell me to go home. Instead they want to discuss my case. The lady I'm meeting with sounded very nice too.

I don't wanna get my hopes up since I did that before and it turned out to be a bit of a disaster. Still...the fact that they wanna meet with me can only be a good sign, right? I mean, otherwise they'd just tell me to go home, wouldn't they? It wouldn't make sense for them to ask me to go talk with them if they could just send me something saying GTFO.

Still. Panic attacks are getting to me. This thing takes place on Friday and I just got the letter today. Which is fine, they only sent it last Thursday, but still. That's not a ton of notice and I'm pretty damn anxious about it.

I know that I've been very lucky, even if I do end up having to go home. I've been in Pite since October 21st. I've made amazing friends. I've seen very beautiful cities and countryside and wilderness. I've adapted to a culture very different from my own. It's been an experience I wouldn't trade for all the money in the world. But I still want to stay.

This place is my home. I don't want to leave, even if only for three months.

school woes

Jun. 7th, 2010 07:54 pm
mutedtempest: (Default)
I know it's my own fault for staying in this program, but dear Lord. I have never felt so inferior in my entire life. I know I should take it easier on myself since I do have brain damage that affects my computational skills and in my defense I didn't realize this stuff would be quite so computer intensive, but...gah.

The thing that upsets me most is that it's not impossible to understand. The last course took me 9 months, but I WAS eventually able to work it out for myself. I will with this one too, it's just incredibly frustrating that it takes so freaking long to grasp it.

I know people think I'm lazy and that I never study, mostly because I want them to think that. That way, they can't look down on me for being stuck on one equation for 3 months. In reality, I spend hours every day reading my textbooks over and over again, writing notes in longhand in my notebooks, typing page after page of them on the computer and reading them aloud to myself in hopes that something will click. Sometimes it does, but if so it takes forever.

I've completed one assignment. I signed up for 100% temp, and I'm supposed to be done by June 30th. I want to be, and I can be ambitious and think that I'll do one exercise per day. Really, I just hope I'm somewhere close to that deadline this time.
mutedtempest: (Default)
Yeah, okay, so it's just one class. But it was the first class for my master's degree, and I feel pretty good about it even if it took me 9 months to complete the damn thing.

I've always known that I suck at science and math and anything remotely computational. When I enrolled in the program, I was under the misguided impression that it was going to be more...well, I guess old-fashioned cartography is the best way to put it. As in paper maps drawn artistically and ornate script used for the map keys. It's not like that at all, and while I know it's my own fault for not looking into it further before signing up, I'm still kinda disappointed.

This program is basically a form of computer science, involving a ton of coding and formulas and computation. And I suck at it. I managed to pass the exam only by realizing a big mistake that my teachers made - we have selftests online at the end of each module, and the exam questions are lifted word-for-word from these. Given that the exams are online, I can easily go into the selftests and find the answers. Voila, passing grade. I know it's bad of me, but I honestly do know the material. The questions just have very specific multiple answers and if you don't get every single one correct, you get no credit for the question.

So, yeah. I found out I passed this afternoon and enrolled in the next course immediately. I'm starting the work on my first assignment for that course, and while I don't think I'll finish it today at least I'm doing something. I want to see how far I can possibly get before June.
mutedtempest: (Default)
I got an email today from Lund, and it just makes me even more sure that I made a good decision in my choice of graduate school. Not so much with the program itself, but seriously, this:

Yay Lund )

After the Summer of Fuckery and Beyond with Migrationsverket, it left a really good impression. This email today and the obvious concern for their foreign students makes me really happy I chose Lund.
mutedtempest: (Default)
As my planned departure date (Thursday, the 6th) gets closer, I can't help but consider staying in Piteå anyway.

I'm not manic, and I'm trying to be realistic and responsible. Yes, my caseworker said he suggests I travel home, but I'm legally allowed to stay until an official decision is made on my case. It seems a bit silly to throw away 9000kr in rent money for the 3 months I won't be here, as well as over 1000US on a plane ticket if there's no true, legal reason for me to leave.

Yay Sweden )

I love Pite. I feel at home here. I've never felt that way about any other place on Earth except for Edinburgh, and all of Scotland. But while I had an emotional connection there, I didn't have the personal connection with so many new friends that I've made here. I don't want to leave, and I'm not going to until I absolutely have to.
mutedtempest: (Default)
really? really Sonoma County?

Seriously, so enraged I can't speak right now. I gotta get out of that fucktarded place. Just...gah.

Called Migrationsverket today and finally got ahold of my caseworker. He seemed not to be too concerned. "Oh, we haven't made a decision yet. looks like we haven't because the application didn't look good to us. I suggest you travel home."

Nope, sorry buddy. You can deny the application first and send me documentation stating that, or I'm not risking it. I've been waiting three months for their decision on top of the three I'm legally allowed to stay, and while I can be in the country while awaiting the decision, I'm afraid that if I leave without it being resolved i'll get stopped at customs and get in trouble for overstaying the limit or something. Not worth it, and since they can't really do anything until they send me official notification I should be fine.

Still though, exhausting day, and quite frustrating. Had an awesome dinner with awesome people though, so that really helped.
mutedtempest: (awesome)
So absolutely incredible. I was starting to think I'd never see them; I've been visiting bestfriend in northern Sweden in winter for a year and a half and hadn't yet, so I wasn't expecting it.

I'm so glad she smokes. She told me to go outside and look. I'd known they're beautiful; seen plenty of videos and pictures. But I wasn't prepared for just HOW beautiful they actually are. They MOVE. Like, they're never in one spot. They're constantly moving and shifting and the light pulses through them like heartbeats, and the colors shift from green to silver and white, and sometimes there's purple and blue sparkling in there too. They dance with each other and move all over the sky like some kind of serpent. I'm not sure the ancient Chinese ever saw them but it'd damn well explain the paintings of dragons and serpents in the sky lol.

I used to watch documentaries about Alaska and Greenland and various astronomy things on the Discovery channel, and I remember thinking that I was very envious of the people who lived so far north being able to see such amazing things. I never really thought I'd get to; I thought things like that were reserved for people other than me. People more worthy, maybe.

I'm still overwhelmed. That much beauty concentrated into one space in time seems completely unbalanced to me, but not wrong. I'm not sure how to describe it in any fitting way other than the word amazing. If anything could tip my agnosticism toward a deity, this would be it. I understand now why people believe in God. If I weren't so damn jaded, I might join them.

The universe astounds me sometimes. That much beauty shouldn't be possible. It humbles me. I am truly blessed to have such an amazing, incredible life such wonderful people to share it with. I do not deserve this much goodness and love, but I am sincerely grateful for it. The world is an incredible place sometimes, probably more than I notice. I should look harder and appreciate more.

I love my best friend very very dearly. I hope she knows that, and I'm so happy she shared this with me. <3
mutedtempest: (Default)
Comment and I'll give you a letter, then you have to list ten people/places/things you love that begin with that letter. Afterwards, post it on your journal and fill out letters of your own.
[livejournal.com profile] cd_lind gave me R, so here goes.

1. Rain. I adore it. More than pretty much anything on earth. It's so calming and smells amazing.

2. Ryan. My ex and very dear friend. First blind radio color commentator for sports in the state. So proud of him and love him dearly.

3. Rhiannon. My little Australian pal with the Irish roots, met her in Galway when we were both staying at a hostel. She's made of cute and I adore her,

4. Running. I (pretty obviously) don't do this nearly as much as I used to, but I still love how it makes me feel. I need to get back into it.

5. Rome. Never been yet, but after studying ancient Roman history for over 15 years I'd be a sad sight if i didn't love the city.

6. Real (Authentic) Mexican Food. I would marry a man named Juan if he could cook me some damn enchiladas. Fuck yes.

7. Russian. Such an awesome language, I've always wanted to learn!

8. Rannoch Moor, Scotland. One of the most beautiful places in the entire world. To prove this: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Rannoch_Moor.jpg

9. Ruebens. Amazing sandwiches from back home. Called the VandeRueben at this little place called the Belgian Village Cafe where I learned to love them.

10. Red Bell peppers. Om nom nom! And they look like Christmas ornaments! XD
mutedtempest: (Default)
1. real name and/or screen name:
2. birthday:
3. place of residence:
4. what makes you happy:
5. what are you listening to now/have listened to last:
6. do you read my lj:
7. if you do, what is particularly good/bad about it:
8. an interesting fact about you:
9. are you in love/have a crush at the moment:
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11. favourite lyric:
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13. weirdest food you like:
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RECOMMEND
1. a film:
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3. a band, a song and an album:

PLUS
1. one thing you like about me:
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3. put this in your lj so i can tell you what i think of you.
4. Optional: POST A PICTURE OF you:
mutedtempest: (Default)
GIS bores me to tears. I adore maps and thought that a program in Geographical Information Systems would allow me to gain insight into making them, at least to an extent. I knew it wasn't cartography and that the good majority of the course dealt with specific software, but I still was under the impression that it was a mapping program. Not really...it does deal with maps, but not in any way that's interesting to me. When I complete the program, I can be a land surveyor, and honestly I just do not care. I have no desire whatsoever to be a land surveyor or anything of the sort.

When I signed up for it, my main objective was simply to gain admission to a Swedish university in order to obtain a student residence permit and live here until the degree was completed. I did gain admission, but as the Migration Board likes to go in circles with its rules, it did me no good residence-permit wise. I fought, too. The entire summer was spent appealing, being told completely opposite things by Lund Uni and Migrationsverket, and struggling to understand just why I was being continually denied. In short, none of my appeals mattered. The case went to the highest court in Sweden, and they refused to even HEAR it. So, despite being a full time student at a Swedish university and receiving student aid that amounts to about 146,000SEK an academic year, I did not receive a student permit and am here as a tourist on an extended visit.

I COULD go to the expense of hiring a Swedish attorney and actually bringing the case before the court, and legally I'd stand a good chance of winning. But by the time I got the money to do it and actually went through the process, I'll be over 30. It just doesn't seem worth it for a degree I don't really care about lol.

Since gaining admission to a Swedish school did me no good, I don't really feel compelled to continue a degree that I care nothing about. I've been looking into graduate programs back home since I really miss the entire campus experience. I'm far too late to apply for the fall, but perhaps next spring or even next fall, should I choose to do so.

The only problem is that Ive fallen in love with Pite and have no desire to leave. As a tourist I'll have to eventually, yes, but I can come back after 90 days outside the Schengen area. If I pursue an on-campus program I wont be able to come back to stay for any significant length of time.

In my searching, however, I did come upon an online master's degree in History from the University of Nebraska. Online History Degree The requirements are pretty steep, so I'd more than likely have to complete a Graduate Certificate before I started the Master's program, but I adore history and that really wouldn't bother me much. I'd be able to spend a good deal of time in Pite too since the degree is online.

I don't know. I'm really at a sort of crossroads here. I can do basically anything I want when it comes to furthering my education, I just don't now exactly where or in what format. The degree in history would interest me, though. Guess I need to think hard about it and weigh my options. I did contact the head of the History Department at UNK and asked about the graduate certificate, though. I guess I'll wait to hear.

GAAAAAAH

Jan. 23rd, 2010 01:55 pm
mutedtempest: (Default)
Yes, this is a rant. I am going to gripe and bitch, which I realize is pointless in terms of rectifying the situation. But dammit I'm pissed off and I'm going to vent, so deal with it.

grumble grumble )

So, I'm not sure what to do. I can't seem to get a prepaid card and my debit doesn't work at 99% of places online.

This sucks.
mutedtempest: (Default)
Yes, this is a rant. I am going to gripe and bitch, which I realize is pointless in terms of rectifying the situation. But dammit I'm pissed off and I'm going to vent, so deal with it.

grumble grumble )

So, I'm not sure what to do. I can't seem to get a prepaid card and my debit doesn't work at 99% of places online.

This sucks.
mutedtempest: (free hugs)
Is my favorite thing of all time, so...

♥ Reply to this post, and I'll tell you one reason why I like you. Then put this in your own journal, and spread the love.
mutedtempest: (Default)
Things are going really well for me right now. I have the most awesome surrogate family (friends) ever, a fairly hopeless crush that still feels pretty nice, a bit of money with more on the way, and more than a few things to look forward to. As much as I worry and feel undeserving, I truly am very blessed and while it may not be the most exciting one on the planet, I'm very thankful for the life I'm being allowed to lead.

Tomorrow afternoon I'm taking a train down to Lund to get my student aid checks cashed and open a bank account. Then I'm heading to Malmö to present my case to Migrationsverket. I'm really trying to go into that with no expectations, but I have to admit that I'm really hoping they'll allow me to stay at least through the summer. It's not as if I won't be able to support myself, and I have a good network of friends here. I'm a student too, so...I know I shouldn't get my hopes up and I'm trying not to, but I can't exactly help it. I guess I just have to go, present the facts and let them decide as they see fit. Even in the worst case scenario (having to return to the States on January 20th) I'll still be able to come back in three months. Pretty positive I'll get SOMETHING, though. There's really no reason I shouldn't.

I'm trying to let myself enjoy this. I have a horrible habit of waiting for the next shoe to drop, so anytime I'm happy I tend to dread when it'll end. Pretty self-defeating, eh? I'm trying to work through that nasty little internal process. It takes just as much effort to be happy as it does to be miserable. Obviously bad things will still happen, but I'm a good person and I can appreciate the good things too. I have just as much right to be happy as anyone else, and why not be? I have an amazing life.
mutedtempest: (victory)
Things are going really well for me right now. I have the most awesome surrogate family (friends) ever, a fairly hopeless crush that still feels pretty nice, a bit of money with more on the way, and more than a few things to look forward to. As much as I worry and feel undeserving, I truly am very blessed and while it may not be the most exciting one on the planet, I'm very thankful for the life I'm being allowed to lead.

Tomorrow afternoon I'm taking a train down to Lund to get my student aid checks cashed and open a bank account. Then I'm heading to Malmö to present my case to Migrationsverket. I'm really trying to go into that with no expectations, but I have to admit that I'm really hoping they'll allow me to stay at least through the summer. It's not as if I won't be able to support myself, and I have a good network of friends here. I'm a student too, so...I know I shouldn't get my hopes up and I'm trying not to, but I can't exactly help it. I guess I just have to go, present the facts and let them decide as they see fit. Even in the worst case scenario (having to return to the States on January 20th) I'll still be able to come back in three months. Pretty positive I'll get SOMETHING, though. There's really no reason I shouldn't.

I'm trying to let myself enjoy this. I have a horrible habit of waiting for the next shoe to drop, so anytime I'm happy I tend to dread when it'll end. Pretty self-defeating, eh? I'm trying to work through that nasty little internal process. It takes just as much effort to be happy as it does to be miserable. Obviously bad things will still happen, but I'm a good person and I can appreciate the good things too. I have just as much right to be happy as anyone else, and why not be? I have an amazing life.

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