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[personal profile] mutedtempest
I know I haven't updated in awhile, and to anyone that reads this (yeah, as if, but just on the off-chance) I'm sorry for that, but nothing really interesting has been happening so I felt no need to clutter my pretty blog up with posts about watching Doctor Who like a rabid fangirl and going for short walks around the neighborhood.

I did start my two classes at American Public University, and those are going fairly well so far, although my level of motivation is virtually nil. Still, they make me feel like I'm not completely wasting my time, so they're serving their purpose. I was also accepted into a masters program at Uppsala University, which is good news but I'm trying to hold off on getting into party mode over it until the residence permit is in my hands. I know it sounds defeatist, but my experiences with the Swedish Migration Board have NOT been very good so far and I don't want to get my hopes up only to have them dashed for some arbitrary reason decided on that day by some disgruntled bureaucratic worker. But I digress, and say only that I'll do my best to make it happen.

I am also pleased to report that I got a job, after almost five months of searching. It happened rather suddenly, and I didn't exactly go about accepting it the way I should have as an avoidant. Basically, I did something I know better than to do and feel like a complete dunce about it.

I'd responded to an ad for a customer service rep at a local camera repair shop months ago. They only called on Tuesday, and an interview was set up for 10am Wednesday. I went, and although I had some awkward moments I was apparently coherent enough to pass their tests, as I was offered the job.

Which is yay! I was pleased. But that's not the bad part. The bad part is that the rather kindly old man who hired me asked when I'd like to start, and to make a good impression I told him I could start at any time. He suggested I come in tomorrow at 10am to begin my first day. I agreed.

Now, for most people this wouldn't be a huge issue. I'm sure anyone would be a bit nervous, but they'd be able to go, and to be okay with going. I thought, when I agreed, that I could be that way too, but given my history I should have known better.

I am panicking. A lot. Not currently having an attack but several have already taken place, and the anxiety is immense. With my avoidance, any abrupt changes in schedule can cause chaos, especially if they're unexpected. This one was. Generally, if I know I'm to begin something and I have a few days to get used to the idea, I can be pretty okay with it. But without that preparation time for my mind, I am a complete wreck.

I don't know why I self-sabotage this way. I really wish I'd just asked to start on Monday instead, would have given me a bit of time to adjust to the idea. I'm pretty much kicking myself now for not asking for the rest of the week/weekend to get acclimated to the notion that I'll be starting new things.

But yeah, too late now. I suppose if I'm feeling this badly I can call in the morning and see if they might be okay with it. I don't want to, since that will look bad, but if it's bad enough I may have to. It's to the point where I can barely fathom breathing let alone leaving the house, and the idea of going there and trying to learn all these new things in a new place with people who will think I'm an idiot is making me have palpitations. I feel physically drained, tense and my breathing is funny.

They do have an answering machine at the shop. I am really considering calling and telling them that I've fallen ill, and asking to put off my start date until Monday if it's not too terribly inconvenient for them. Yes, it would be a sort of lie, and one I wouldn't be proud of, but it does have truth in it. The way I am feeling at this moment, I cannot leave the house, let alone work in any kind of effective way.

Logically I know that if I do call, explain that I'm ill and will not be able to make it in, they will more than likely be understanding and allow me to begin Monday instead. It doesn't seem like something they would simply pass me over for the job about. Of course, I don't know this for sure but things do happen, and to all intents and purposes I am quite ill today. Not from anything contagious but my heart is racing, I am anxious, my head is a complete and utter mess and I wouldn't be able to retain anything they taught me to begin with.

I feel awful. Either scenario, going and fighting through it or staying home and praying they give me a second chance, terrifies me. I hate the idea of anyone thinking I'm lazy or incompetent. I'm not. I want to work. I want this job, I simply don't think I can handle going and trying to act like I'm okay when I'm not and when I desperately need a little time to get accustomed to the idea.

I feel like a failure.

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mutedtempest

July 2016

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