random blah

Mar. 4th, 2011 04:20 pm
mutedtempest: (Default)
[personal profile] mutedtempest
I'm having sort of a weird day. While I'm feeling a little better about myself in general, just in basic concepts like self image and my own intelligence, I'm feeling worse in the whole employment and education area. This is probably because I have two classes starting Monday the 7th, one on ancient Greece and the other on the Renaissance and Reformation. I'm excited about them, but at the same time feel that they might be...well, some sort of consolation prize or something. I know it's ridiculous to feel that way, since finding them and the degree program itself was sort of a dream come true. I've always wanted to study history, especially ancient, and when I was able to find an online degree in the subject, I was usually very un or under qualified since my bachelor degree is in general studies. This university (the civilian branch of the American Military University) is all online, has no prerequisites other than a bachelor's degree in any field, and was incredibly easy to get into. I'm enrolled in the Ancient and Medieval History masters program, and depending on how many courses I choose to take I can finish the degree in either 2 or 3 years. Exactly what I wanted, except for the fact that without the prerequisites, I feel kinda like a moron. I mean...if an idiot with no qualifications can be admitted, what does that make me? I know I'm shooting myself in the foot with this way of thinking, but I can't seem to help it. My mind tends to go in self-destructive cycles like this, where even if I'm getting everything I wanted, I find some way to sabotage feeling good about it by making myself feel unworthy of it or finding some arbitrary reason to think that the thing I wanted is somehow not good enough by allowing me to HAVE it. Fun times, huh?

Regardless of my idiotic thought patterns, I'm excited about the prospect of having something to DO. I didn't realize just how bored I was until earlier today, browsing the classifieds yet again for job openings. I was hit by a sudden wave of longing to do anything on earth other than sit in front of the computer watching TV shows and reading fanfic all day, which surprised me, because when I'm working or doing schoolwork those things seem to be all I want to do. (Yeah, I know...never claimed to be interesting). I was laid off on December 7th, and as of Monday I'll have been out of work for three months. I'm incredibly bored. I'm also poor, but able to make do. Not well or anything, but I have food, clothing and shelter, so I could get by until my student loans come in. But I don't think I'll be able to sit here and do nothing until then. The job situation makes me feel terrible because one would think that a bachelor degree would make one eligible for jobs, but this doesn't seem to be the case, and it hurts. I want to work, I simply cannot seem to find anywhere willing to hire me. Quite a blow to the ego.

I'm also incredibly nervous about my applications for grad school. The waiting is nerve wracking, and chances are I'll be waiting at least another month to hear anything. While I could continue in my history degree and be just fine, the fact is that I don't want to continue my studies online. I want to be on a campus, in Europe, rather than sitting in Moline in front of my computer. And I'm scared that I won't get in at any of the schools I've applied to. My undergraduate grades were mediocre, and aside from that I just feel unworthy of it because I want it so very much. My top choice is Bergen, and I'm not even entertaining the possibility that I'll get in because I'm so sure I won't. Then comes Sweden, which I won't be able to afford without a scholarship, and my chances for that are virtually nil. Then is the Netherlands, which is appealing but expensive. Still, I could make it work if I need to, and I'd much rather be there and poor than here and still poor.

I don't know. I want to feel worthy of things but I just don't, and it's hard to walk that line when I'm starting to feel a little bit okay with who and how I am.

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