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Today is Christmas Eve, and a lot of people In the US have celebrations today. Tomorrow too, but today is still big. My family is very nontraditional when it comes to holiday stuff, and we usually just gather at my aunt's and eat some weird kind of gourmet food that she insists on, usually something elegant like prime rib. Personally I'd rather be traditional and have a turkey and all that stuff, but hey, what can I do.


I've been in Sweden for the past two Christmases. 2008 was spent with DD and her family, and 2009, I was by myself, but in my awesome apartment with good food so it was fine. I did call my family in the States but it never seemed like they missed me, which is probably true, they don't seem to like me much in general lol.

I adore Christmas but it usually makes me kinda lonely. I love all the lights, the music, the decorations, the way people seem to be sweeter to one another in general (of course, I don't work retail so this little observation hasn't yet been sullied by reality :P). I've always wanted a family, and this seems like the big "family holiday" for most people. I'm a lone wolf in general, but it still kinda hurts.

Anyway, I'd been somewhat dreading going to my aunt's tonight. I'd been informed by my grandpa that "oh, well, she invited you" which I still think is a bit odd...I mean, I'm family, shouldn't it just be expected that I be there? I know I haven't been in the country at the holidays for years, but still, I'd never thought my family would feel the need to "invite" me to the Christmas celebration.

My anxiety had been going haywire over the prospect of sitting around trying to make conversation with all these people, and the uncle who doesn't like me at all, and the fact that since being laid off I can't even afford to buy any gifts for anyone, and I just wasn't looking forward to it. So, yesterday I called my grandpa and tried to explain that it's just not a comfortable situation for me, and that I'm sure no one really cares whether I'm there or not. He got mad and said that I'll have to make conversation with people my whole life and that I need to stop using the anxiety as an excuse so often. And while he's right...these people never act like they want me around, so really, why should I go and subject myself to hours upon hours of feeling anxious and awkward? I told him I was sorry but that I couldn't do it.

This morning, he called to make sure I wasn't coming, and told me that I was still "invited." Yeah, thanks. Got it. Then he said that with all the snow (we've gotten about 6 inches in this area so driving sucks right now) it'd be a "real nuisance" to come pick me up anyway. I know what he meant, but just...gah.

I know this post is kind of emo and whiny but sometimes I just don't understand why my family are such asses to me all the time. Makes me feel horrible. I take solace in the fact that I have lovely friends who care about me and have wished me Merry Christmas. I'm gonna spend tonight and tomorrow curled up in my blankie and slippers, watching the final season of Seinfeld and then Undeclared. I'm also gonna make the trek down the block to the gas station and get myself some chocolate, which I only get a craving for about twice a year anyway. I have one now, though, and I see no reason to deny myself. I'm also gonna make sure I have food and stuff to make it until the City wakes up and gets things cleared off so the buses can run. I'll also be able to see the clerks who work there, who are pretty much all my buddies since I live so close and am in there so much lol. I think that'll be good for cheering me up. Then I'll put on some Christmas music and forget that my family kinda sucks in general. Next year, and hopefully every year after that, I'll be in Sweden at least somewhat close to my real family, so it's gonna be just fine.

Merry Christmas, everyone!
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mutedtempest

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